Lessons in listening

As a teacher I knew the importance of listening to my students, since being a nanny I have come to learn the importance of listening to a child, whether they are telling you a secret, a hurt, a story, or just using a lot of words that don’t really make sense. It’s not always easy mind you, really listening, especially when you just want to go to the toilet without being interrupted or questioned, or when you want to take a shower without having to shout over the water back and forth “what?...oh yeah?...what?” but as I have learnt it is vitally important. Especially when you are 2 and a half and everything you come across is a mighty discovery that needs to be shared. I recently read for the first time Antoine de Saint-Exupéry’s “The little prince”, and I loved the thought behind something the little prince said "Grown-ups never understand anything by themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them". It’s true you know children have a way of seeing the world, of loving, discovering and learning that grown-ups know nothing about. At the moment Junior is going through this stage where everything is magic. Naturally of course his magic tricks mostly consist of his spinning on the spot, or knotting a piece of string, or cutting up paper, but in his eyes, he “can do magic”, and so I watch “in awe”. Children see magic in everything because they look for it, we grown-ups forgot to look for it, and therefore often get bogged down in the monotony of washing the clothes, cooking dinner, and other things that adults concern themselves with. 

For Junior, it doesn’t matter if he clothes are clean and ironed, if my hair is done, or the house is spotless, what matters to him is that I look at his pictures, I play along with his games, that I run away from the big huge tiger chasing me, that I read books with different voices, that I let him roll the cookie dough, and let him watch me put on makeup, but most importantly, that I listen to him. I never expected to love him as much as I do, and I anticipated loving him quite a lot, I don't remember who said this, but there really are places in the heart you don't even know exist until you love a child. Watching this little miracle and bundle of joy, grow, change, learn, discover, and love, is such a wonderful blessing and has made me reflect on my mum and my second mum and the love they have for me and my brothers. My mum always listened to me; she still does, even when I know I am talking crap, telling the same story for the 10^th time, complaining about the same problems, crying over a boy, she listens. She waits, I talk, sometimes I cry, and she listens, then when the time is right, she pulls out a pearl of wisdom from her huge seemingly endless supply of pearls of wisdom and lays it down in front of me. Sometimes it’s not always what I want to hear, but usually it is exactly what I need to hear. Sue is the same, sometimes I would find myself in the middle of a crisis or desperate to show/tell someone that I can “do magic” and when my mumma was at work or otherwise indisposed, Suey would always be there to listen and oohh and ahhh in all the right places. I am so abundantly blessed that I not only have one awesome mother extraordinaire, I have two!

I could probably safely say that 85, hmm perhaps even 87 percent of what I know about, well pretty much everything I learnt from my mum, and then from the time I was 14, from Sue as well. I have been blessed enough to have someone believe in my dreams, my abilities and in me, even when I didn’t or couldn’t believe my self.  My mum always taught me to hope, and dream, to love and learn, to discover and take risks, I wouldn’t be here in Germany, listening to this special little boy if not for my mumma and Sue. I am sure there were times growing up where my mum wanted to lock herself in the cupboard to have 2 minutes to herself, and yet, never once did she turn me away, or tell me she was too busy, she always made time to listen to us, to play, and to tuck us in at night. Johnny Depp said caring for a child is “like hanging out with a miniature drunk. You have to hold onto them. They bump into things. They laugh and cry. They urinate. They vomit.” As true as that is, more now than ever I believe that children are miracles and magic really does happen, and while we are trying to teach children all about life, children are teaching us what life is all about. All we have to do is listen.

There is something so incredibly wonderful about being reunited with an old friend, even if only for a short time, it’s like cleaning out your wardrobe and finding your favourite old well worn jumper that when you put in on brings comfort, warmth and with it a thousand memories.  I found an old favourite this weekend...at the train station in Wuerzburg, she was an hour late and carrying a backpack but she brought with her comfort, warmth and a thousand memories. I hadn’t thought too long or much about Beth coming to Germany, because I found that when I did, it made me miss her more. However the week before she was due to arrive, I felt like a kid at Christmas time, anticipating Christmas morning and therefore unable to sleep! (no...literally) Being that I am perpetually late (although in all fairness, Junior is never later to kindergarten...ever) I ensured that I was atleast 20 minutes early...Oh gosh, those 20 minutes went soooo slow.....then 5 minutes past, next thing I knew it was like 45 minutes after Beth’s train was due to arrive. I started panicking, messaging Ben and Jesse, freaking out at all the possibilities, unable to call and knowing Beth has no immediate way of contacting me...I started pacing, I didn’t think people really did this other than in the movies to emphasis fear when the acting was bad...But it seemed like the only thing I could do. When I finally saw her walking through the crowd my heart leaped and I burst into tears (typical, I know). But I remember thinking, how is it that four months have pasted and yet it feels like no time at all, it still amazes me when you have friends like that, who can go on doing life separate from you, yet just like that old favourite jumper, when you come back together it’s as though no time has passed at all. 

After a teary reunion, Beth and I set off in our little black car towards Amsterdam. AMSTERDAM! For the weekend! We just got in the car with a tank full of petrol, a case of beer and a tent, and we drove. In the same amount of time it would take a Sydney sider to drive to Port Macquarie we drove across Germany and then all the way across Holland! Crazy! Still blows my mind how close everything seems here comparatively to Australia. We arrived safe, set up the tent, admired the scenery and the beautiful Dutch men (ok, I admire them) and enjoyed a beer, on the street – felt like such rebels. The city itself is beautiful and amazing and much more than I had anticipated. Ofcourse there is a feel good vibe, I mean we all know what Amsterdam is famous for, but beyond that, it was such an atheistically pleasing city, everyone was super friendly and there was this sense of nostalgia dispite the fact that it was my first time in Holland. The first day the weather was the epitome of perfection, a blissful 25 degrees, sun shining, a slight breeze coming of the canals and not a cloud in the sky. We hired bikes and rode through the city. A german friend of mine had been working there for a couple of weeks and had some free time so we played a chasing game for a while till we managed to find him. After that we continued to explore this incredible city, taking in all the wonder and beauty of history and craftmanship. Naturally, after such an “arduous” day we went back to our temporary abode and had ourselves a well deserved beer, or 3. And it was here that I was once again reminded of the power a song has in pulling me back, mind, body and soul to a moment in time, whether, good, painful or otherwise. I know that scientifically it’s smell that is most prominent when it comes to being drawn back into a memory, and I have experienced that, like walking pasting a baking and smelling fresh donuts and being reminded of my Pop who would never come to visit us without bringing a treat, or walking by a woman wearing Chanel and being reminded of my nan.

However, for me, it’s a song, or in fact lots of song that bring me back to a moment in time. It’s amazing how much can be conjured with a few notes of a song, often a song you didn’t even pay attention to at the time. Naturally, songs that are played at funerals, weddings, big emotional events, happy or sad will transport you back there, and often even invoke the same feelings you felt in those moments. But it’s the songs that transport me back to moments and memories that at the time I never imagined reliving. Beth and I sat at the table in the setting afternoon sun talking and reminiscing about the good the bad and the painful. We had our Ipod on shuffle, and with so many of the songs, when I let myself I was thrown back into moments with people who found their way into my heart. Some are still in my life, others haven’t been for some time, but yet for the most part with these songs come some of my fondest most beautiful memories, in fact it’s almost more than that, it’s as though I am back there, in that moment with that person for the 4 minutes the music plays. If someone asked me to recall these memories I am not sure that I could, but it’s a wonderful thing to know that we can relive and remember those seemingly irrelevant moments that shape us and add beauty to our lives by hearing a song. Naturally, on the other hand, we can be reminded of the painful things we would rather not relive, although I think maybe it’s important to recognise that while we may not be able to forget the painful moments, we have the choice not to tell that pain have a place in our future. Sometimes perhaps, in the cases of missing those who have left us behind, it’s good to remember, though at times painful, remembering the good things, the wonderful moments, helps us heal and honour their memory. Music sometimes expresses things that words cannot, and I am so incredibly grateful for its power to help me remember, because there are something I never want to forget.

Well, I am usually a fairly honest person, and don’t have too many qualms about revealing shortcomings because I know that no one this side of heaven is perfect. However, what I am about to share is not my finest moment, and certainly not something I would usually want to share with my world. That said, I feel like it has been a day for important lessons, and well, I have been ultimately humbled in the most glorious of ways.

Not that I do it consciously, and maybe this will surprise some of you to know, but sometimes I have to actually distract myself as to stop judging people in my mind. Ok, let me elaborate here, people I know, I don’t judge, but (and this pains me to say it out loud) often when walking down the street, or from the train station, I either compliment or judge those I walk past. For instance, “Oh lady, that is a lovely dress, it really suits you...” – “Oh dear, darling, who let you out of the house in those jeans” – or “seriously, have you not heard of deodorant?” and then the worse kind “Oh, I am so sorry, but I am so glad I don’t have to deal with that...(insert some skin condition, bad hair, big nose etc here)”.... ugh, writing it down makes me feel so much worse, please don’t get me wrong, I do this maybe once or twice in my mind, then I reprimand myself and aim to have only lovely and pleasant thoughts, telling myself “who the hell do you think you are, - Jesus died for them too to know, he created them!”. Unfortunately, it’s a lesson I relearn everyday...And today, well I think I learnt the hardest way possible, because not only was I overwhelmingly humbled, but I now I this heavy weight on my chest, hence I am here. 

SO, here goes... I was walking to the train station after school, and coming towards me was this lady, I guess maybe late 20’s, possibly early 30’s, immediately I thought to myself...oh you would look so much better if you weren’t wearing a “mens” t-shirt, and if you perhaps cut and washed your hair...the instant I thought this I was almost knocked off my feet by this huge pang and blow of guilt...I looked down and saw her arms... Oh my goodness, never in my life I have seen anything so devastatingly self destructive and broken. In that moment, in that instant my heart broke for this woman, so much so that instinctively my hand went over my heart as if it might fall out and shatter if I didn’t. Her arms were covered in more scars than I would have been able to count, some old, some raw and fresh, all up and down her arms from her hands running towards her heart. I looked from her arms to her eyes and saw this soul pouring out her pain and anguish, and it took my breath away.  I felt sick for my own judgment of this woman, and then for the all that she has had to endure and suffer that has caused her soul and heart to cry out through the release and flowing of her own blood. I don’t think I could even comprehend that much sorrow and pain...

Why do we do this to each other, why do we judge and hate, and compare! Humanity is broken and in desperate need of a Saviour, I like to think that generally I am not so bad at the loving people part, today I was shown just how far I have to go... I have no idea what is beyond the facades people are walking around with, I don’t know the pain, the hurt, the sorrow and suffering they have had to endure, however I do know this, that the God who holds the stars in the sky, loves them enough to die for them and it would be good for me to take a leaf out a small child’s book, or perhaps mother Theresa and instead of looking at what I can see, I should aim to focus on, search out and know all that I cannot see. This is something I want and must change in myself, because I don’t ever want relive this lesson today, and I also don’t want to continue pretending that I am all “oh don’t judge people” when I do it daily in my mind! So, here’s to my next challenge, of looking upon the faces of the people that pass me by, and choosing to see their souls and not what I deem their “superficial flaws”. And to this woman, I am so terribly sorry for judging you, and I pray that healing comes to your heart, and joy to your soul.

Junior is sick today, with a fever of 39.5...So I am at home caring for him; it’s a strange thing, to be needed by someone so precious and helpless. This little life is in my hands and I can’t help but check on him every 20 minutes or so. I am in awe of this little person, I mean I look upon him in wonder, he is a living, loving, breathing miracle that when I look at it scientifically, it absolutely leaves me awestruck! I think sometimes we forget to look long enough upon the faces of the people in our lives and actually see the mind blowing miracle they are!

I remember when I was in year 11 studying biology and we were talking about a baby being conceived, I think it’s called a zygote?...Anyway, not that I didn’t already know “how” it happens, I think I knew when I was like five. My mum has always been a “no bull” kind of person. However, I guess I had never really given the science behind conception that much thought; I was blown away by this idea, this truth. I remember Miss Menzies describing in acute detail the way in which the cells form and split and make organs and bones and skin...(ok in a far more eloquent and scientific way than I can express) and then she was talking about how when the baby is conceived it doesn’t have eyelids. They come later; it’s like some little creature comes along and cuts open the skin protecting the eyes...think about it for just a moment. No human commands these things, they just happen, every day 353,015 babies are born each day, 14,709 each hour and 245 each minute...while of course  humans naturally play a huge role in this, at the same time, it’s out of our control. God commands the stars to shine, the earth to spin, the leaves to change colour and our hearts to beat and He causes the cells to make a brain and little tiny hands and feet. The more I learn about babies, the world around me, myself, the more I am convinced that there is an intelligent designer who created it all. It makes more sense to me that God exists and is, than it does to believe that this was all accidental and a coincident. 

I guess it’s like the wind, or light, we know it exists, we see it, or in the case of light, we see because of it, but it’s not a tangible thing that we can hold and touch and prove. If we were to try and prove light to a blind person, how would be go about it? We couldn’t, we could only describe what we see and feel, and for me, this is the same with God. I cannot prove His existence any more than I can prove light, but I feel Him, I see because of Him and I am who I am because of His love. But I also know that sometimes I get so caught up in the monotony of routine that I forget to be amazed, I forget the miracles that are happening around me every minute of every day. So, this is my challenge, I guess more for myself but feel free to join me, every day, write down a miracle you witnessed, when you start looking, and your eyes are open you begin to see more than you ever imagined.

So, thought it was about time I actually updated all you lovely people on Germany being that most of my blog entries thus far have been about my current emotional state or some philosophical thoughts etc. So, here goes...

Classic Lori moments in the last 3 months...

Breaking the toilet seat, the car door mirror, and a cup

Dying a towel blue

Sending letters home with Australian stamps

Walking over a the subway vent in Madrid and having a not so graceful Marilyn Monroe moment

Opening my bag and dropping a tampon at the feet of a very handsome man waiting for the train

Demonstrating to the man in the pharmacy that I needed tampons because I didn’t know what they were called in German, to which he replied, “Oh Tampons?” (Apparently it is a universal word)

Fell off a stationary bike

Throwing  up while running because I thought it was a good idea to run on a full stomach...didn’t realise there was a very good looking man walking his dog who saw the whole thing...

Thought I would be smart and say I feel hot in German...translation word by word “Ich bin heiss”...turns out I actually suggestion I, myself am a very a hot woman and would like to have some... hanky panky... Oh dear, I have since however learned that I need only say “Mir ist heiss”

Highlights from the last 3 months (in no particular order)

Skiing in the Austrian Alps

Spain...all of it (except perhaps a few of the overly friendly men)

My first dream in German

Letters from home

Seeing the seasons change so drastically

Waking up to snow at Easter

Reading....up to book number 13 now

Picnics, bubbles, sing-a-longs and snuggles with Robert

Learning and speaking German and helping tourists in German

Receiving videos and messages almost daily from some pretty special people

Seeing where the new Three Musketeers movie was filmed

Learning new and exciting things about God and about my own heart and mind

Being left breathless by the beauty here

Hearing the words “I love you” from a very specially little pint sized person

Lowlights from the last 3 months

Missing coffee from Zac’s - they just can’t get it right here

Missing (more than I could have anticipated) my family and friends.

Germany is an amazing country, and it’s people, well they are amazing too! Time as flown by so quickly, and then at the same time, it feels like I have been here so much longer than three months! At the moment my days are pretty routine, wake up to a handsome little face saying “lets have breakfast”, get ready, showered, shoes on, then off again because Junior needs to go to the toilet, shoes back on again, walk to kindergarten along the creek, answer a million “WHY?” questions, explain once again why we cannot pick up the stinging nestle, say goodbye, kiss on the cheek, ride my bike 3km up hill to the trainstation, spend the next 10 minutes trying to compose myself so that I don’t look like a just ran a marathon, catch the train to school, get to school just on time, school...coffee break...school, then at 3.07 I catch the train home, smile at my train buddy, struggle to find my keys in my handbag, get frustrated, empty my bag, find keys, unlock bike, ride to kindergarten, leave bike there, get Robert, negotiate with a 2 and a half year old on many more minutes he can play for, walk home, play blocks, water the vegepatch, go to the playground, after the parentals come home we have dinner, go for a run/walk depending on how I feel, sometimes I throw up my dinner because I never learn that its not a good idea to run on a full stomach, come home, shower, bed....then I do it all again...but honestly, I wouldn’t have it any other way, I love living here, I love Germany and I love this family!

Sending love and peace to wherever you are.

I have come to understand that while some things never change, some never remain the same. They can’t and they shouldn’t. Change is good. We need it. The world changes daily, there are four seasons in a year, each making way for the next. The trees grow, and change and shed in order to grow again. Physically our bodies change, we grow, we shed, skin cells, hair – the body, a wonder all  of its own is constantly under construction, breaking down, rebuilding, getting rid of what it doesn’t need, what is harmful and toxic, storing and using what is good, and renewing what is old, worn out and in desperate need of some TLC. Our body does this without any command from us, in fact, inspite of us. Even if we treat our bodies like crap, they fight to use what they are given, and they thank us when they are treated like a temple.

However, it has become apparent to me that often Humans neglect the need for change in their lives, and in their hearts. Sometimes we hold onto what is toxic, and no good for us because its comfortable, because despite knowing how bad it is, we convince ourselves it is better to feel terrible than risk the change and the unknown and letting go of what we have known to be real. And so, we remain trapped in toxic relationships, jobs, stress, worry, our own self pity and denial, refusing to make the move and accept joy and happiness. Of course I know that it’s easier said than done, I am living proof of that, there are some things that I have been working on for years. However, I know now more than I knew this time last year, and it’s about time that I let go of things and people that have no place in my future. A very dear friend reminded me that sometimes the hardest thing to let go of is the thing you never really had. We get so use to holding on that we forget to let go, and sometimes these people don’t really want us to let go. Not because they want us, but they become attached to us wanting them, so they do whatever they can, sometimes subconsciously to ensure we don’t let go. 

So, how do we let go when are fingers are white from holding on to tightly for so long? Well, I am not entirely sure, however I guess you start by accepting, and then moving to Germany... or at least making some sort of landmark change that leaves you a little more fearless, courageous and excited for the next adventure. Having incredibly wise and loving friends who gently and then sometimes not so gently remind you that you are worth more than simply being someone’s back up plan, or that you have to forgive yourself and those who have hurt you and let you down. I think maybe a part of me always believed that I wanted and need fire, that I wanted excitement, passion, heat, and a sense of risk.  We need fire sometimes, to come in, sweep through and burn everything to ground so that when spring comes everything can be grown and build up from the ground. After having had the chance to be well acquainted with fire, the warm and destruction, I have come to realise however, I no longer  want fire, I want a dandelion in spring, the consistency that comes with the renewal of life and love without the destruction. And so, I am here, on the other side of the world, aiming to learn a new language and embrace a new cultural, while shedding and slowly loosening my grip on things that were never mine, and have no place in my future. I don’t expect this to be an easy journey, but God never lets us walk alone.

I am sitting here with a nice fat ankle, slightly amused at how I came to acquire this rather pathetic injury...In all reality, it was only a matter of time before I crashed my bike, in fact I am surprised it has taken me this long, ok I did fall off a borrowed bike last week while attempting to race amazing race style to the train...I failed, the bike was too big, I ended up sprawled over the road in front of a very patient car, however it wasn’t that dramatic because the bike was stationary. I wish I could say that either, if not both of the stacks were graceful...however in both cases I think I probably resembled a drunk octopus more than anything else, arms and legs flailing everywhere. Oh well, at least I wasn’t wearing a dress. Today, the reason I fell was because I don’t have the most amazing coordination and while pedalling along, Kristin pointed out a eagle, amazed, I stopped paying attention to where I was riding, before I knew it I was centimetres from hitting the pram/trailer that Junior was riding in, so I swerved and well ending up eating grass and doing a number on my ankle.

Ok, ok, the day other than this little incident was amazing! 

We rode for about 25km (that’s like 50 in total, Ben and Phill I thought you’d be proud) along the river and through amazing coble stone towns to a place called Untereisenheim for lunch. At one point I was riding past some blossoming apple trees, I was a taken back by the beauty around me and this dream that is my reality. I have to keep reminding myself that this is my life, my home for now. I feel so incredibly blessed to be able explore this incredible country all while being supported and loved by a family whose heart is so huge! Not to mention care for a little boy who has found a place in my heart that I didn’t even know existed. I can only imagine that this love is just a fraction of what a parent feels for the own child, but heck I have never felt so overwhelmed with love and the need to protect someone like this before. I mean it helps that he is criminally cute and while he English is amazing, he has his own little ways that just make my heart smile, like when he says “Lori, come play by me”, or “come sit by me” he has also taken to calling his dad Pappy and me Lori Nicole Wahl. What a blessing, it makes me feel a little sick to think the day will come when I have to get one a plane and leave him here!

 Anyway, I also want to just give a shout out today to my baby brother. Who today turned 21! When did you go from being little Beauy to a grown man? I know I am only 4 years older than you, but I don’t ever remember a time, when to me, you weren’t my baby brother, but then today I was reminded of a few things. Firstly, you have always been wise beyond your years, do mistake me, I know you have your typical 20 year old moments, but heck, I remember the days where I would leave uni early and pick you up from school, we would go to GJ’s and have ice chocolates. I would tell you all my woes and you, in all your 15 years of experience and wisdom would love me and tell me the truth, even if I didn’t want to hear it.

 Still to this day you are my confidant, whom I call at 2am in tears over a boy, or when I don’t know what to do about something, when I am stressed, sad, lonely, but for me the most important one, was the night I called you, my heart in pieces, a mess on my lounge room floor, having just had my heart shattered for the last time by our father. That night, you were my miracle, I know that if I had have insisted, you would have got on a plane right then. You calmed me down, and gently reminded me that it was His loss, and His responsibility, that I had nothing to apologise for or feel bad about. I needed that. It seems odd to me that my baby brother, in fact that both my brothers bail me out in different ways so often, I mean I am the eldest and feel like I should be the one looking out for you, but you know I guess our mums’ raised us well, because we have grown to become more than siblings, we somewhere somehow through all the mess of life and youth we became friends.

I am proud of you both, though today is Beau’s birthday so I want to say...Beauy, I am so incredibly proud of you, of the man you are, of the life you live, of your talents and passion. Of your heart and the way in which you love, you have such an incredibly beautiful way with words and look at life in a way that so many people could benefit to mimic. I have 4 years on you, yet I am not entirely sure there is so much I could offer you in terms of wisdom but I will say this, laugh... a lot, embrace life, chase your dreams, allow yourself to be amazed, stop, look around you,......side note, sorry I am easily distracted but my eyes just swelled with tears for the 3^rd time today, Junior just came bounding into my room, jumped up next to me “Here Lori, I made this for you, it’s a kowaala bear, it has red and lellow and white...don’t kill it, it’s for you”...When I tried to give the playdoh back to him, he exclaimed “No, you keep it, I made it for you”...30 seconds later he returns running on his tippy toes “Lori where is your kowaala bear?...I take it, I look after it for you, it’s for Lori, it’s ok don’t cry, I come back soon...” Oh heck I am known to be emotional, (Ben Bourke no comment from you!) BUT I think I am destined to end up crying at anything the resembles an feeling!

Ok...Beau , I am back, I want you to do the things that scare the hell out of you, I have learnt they are always the most worthwhile, don’t stop learning, don’t stop questioning, even if you are questioning God, don’t ever stop, he is big enough to handle it, and well the world needs more people to question the ways of the world. Love Lucia, because I think she is amazing, and Beau, love and believe in yourself, because you have untold potential and a heart that can make your dreams come true. Also, never ever doubt just how much your family loves you! I hope you had the most amazing birthday! Sorry I couldn’t be there...

But for now, imagine we are cruising down the M4 singing this song...

I'm just a kid, living a dream
Slid in the scene like an old pair of jeans
You know my name, but you don't know me
Wanna go out with me? Show me.

Come, come summertime
Love, love, hold my hand
Don-don-don-do-don-don-do-don-don
Don't be shy
Come, come summertime
Love, love, take a ride with me
Don-don-don-do-don-don-do-don-don
Don't be shy

Black smoke billow out the black tinted window
In my black limousine as I ride through the ghetto...

Happy birthday Beauy...

Well, I know it’s been a while and for that I am sorry, but not however sorry for the amazing 2 weeks I have had, travelling and meandering through Madrid and spending the Easter long weekend with my German family in the mountains waking up to snow! Which by the way hasn’t happened at Easter time in over 20 years! Blessed! However, while I have every intention of eventually gracing all you lovely people with the highs and lows of my last 2 big adventures, there are some things that have been playing on my mind, and some things I need to say. As a precursor let me just say that I do not claim to be an expert on the following things, nor am I naive enough to believe that my opinions on these matters are the only ones...but,

After some lengthy discussions with an old friend and some deep thought recently, I have become acutely aware at just how often it seems that we, as Christians seem to think that offering up a prayer is enough to acquit us from having to actually be Christ’s hand and feet and act when someone is hurting. Please do not mistake me, I know firsthand the power and importance of prayer, believe me and I am by no means saying that praying for someone is pointless or a cop out, I do however believe that sometimes we forget that maybe, just maybe we are the answer to prayer. We are the ones God sent to help, to heal, to love? We need to have faith in action, not just in words and I do not want to get to the end of my life and realise that I never stopped to consider someone’s needs above my own. I am so tired of hearing about all that Christians do wrong or don’t do at all, not because I think Christian’s are taking a beating unnecessarily (though some are and I will never know that sort of persecution) mostly it’s because all too often the claims against Christian’s are true. For instance, the judgement thing, I recently read a blog that in essence was discussing the way so many people are “Christians” unless you happen to be, fat, poor, homeless, broken, depressed, gay, ugly, stupid, a little odd, not so fashion savvy, outspoken or somewhat different to them. If you are, well it’s just too hard to love you. BULL! 

Arghhh it makes me so mad that we think we have a right to pick and choose those that we are willing to love and help! God’s love does not discriminate. EVER. Nothing we do or say can increase or diminish His love, so how dare we only offer our love when it suits us, or is easy. I am not saying you have to be best friends with everyone, I know firsthand the toll that takes on a person, but you and I have no right to decide who is worthy of love depending on their appearance, way of life, religion, beliefs, education, status or wealth. Is it easy to give love indiscriminately? Hell NO! But does that mean we shouldn't try? NO! It means we should be depending on God to love us and then in return love His children, the ones He designed and created.

I am not a perfect, I do not love perfectly, or indiscriminately, but I want to try, I want to offer my all to the people that come my way, I don’t want to be cynical, or bitter, or a poor example of Christ. Please do not mistake me, this is not an attack on anyone in particular, if anything it is more of a discussion and battle with my own faith and knowing how to live it out in order to avoid being one of those “Christians”, I have just become so acutely aware recently of just how much people are responsible for keeping people out of Church. Generally non church goers, or non Christians, are not avoiding the faith or church because of God, but because of the people. I want to change this. I need to change this, and so, I will start with me. Just as Ghandi once said “Be the change you want to see in the world”...Thus begins the challenge to shed all I don’t want to be remembered for, and live to love. Indiscriminately.

I have this friend...who despite her best efforts to come across as anything else, is the kindest, sweetest, biggest hearted person I know. I am not going to tell you her name, I know she wouldn’t want me to. However, I know that as soon as she read this, and I know that she will, most probably on the toilet, she will know I am talking to her. This amazing person has been in my life for the best part of seven years, and in that time, there have been countless moments, where in the darkness her hand has reached down to me and pulled me back into the light, other times where I refused to budge, she brought the light to me. Whether through humour, or through an honest heart to heart, where she was never afraid to just tell it like it is, and hit me with the truth, even if it’s not what I wanted to hear. For this I will forever be truly grateful.

This friend, has also been there for some of my most favourite memories, coming to mind right now include, numerous hair dying incidents, eating ten packets of mi goreng, or at least till we had food babies, writing all over the toilet walls in her house (probably from the room she is reading this blog from), her wedding day, in which she was just such a stunning sight to behold, meeting and hugging and kissing her children, oh oh and housing sitting and rushing her to the hospital when she broke her toe...best 8 hours ever ‘s ;)... It’s a wondrous thing, friendship, there is nothing quite as sweet as discovering something in a person that you connect with, there is this moment where you think “oh you too?...” and you just know that you will be friends forever, through trials and pain, through joy and success. This friend, well I know she was always meant to be my friend, we are kindred spirits her and I.
 

To this person, I have been thinking of you a lot of the last week, and well there are a few things I need to say to you... firstly, I know, I know how hard it is to be in a dark place despite your best efforts, despite knowing that life is good. I know how much you love your husband and your kids, I know that you feel as though this struggle for joy seems unjustified. But let me tell you, it’s not, it’s ok to be weak, to not have the answers, to feel as though you are at the end of your tether... it’s not ok however to remain there... A dear friend of mine once said, “feel what it is you are feeling, feel the weight of it, the pain of it, and then let it go...” You are strong! You possess an inner strength that is rare and often goes unnoticed, but for all you have endured, over come and refused to let ruin your disposition, you have gained an incredible ability to overcome anything life throws your way. And you and I both know that life throws curve balls at times, and at others gives us lemons.

I think sometimes the darkness creeps over us almost like a comforting blanket that we don’t fight at first, it’s not until the true weight of it, the sense we are being strangled by this darkness do we start to panic and feel trapped, aiming to grab hold of anything that will bring us hope. My darling, do not give up, do not give in, God is big enough to handle our anger, our doubt, our fears, and He will never ever quit on you. EVER. Nothing you do or say will increase or diminish His love for you. I know that deep down in your heart, truths that you have always know and held on to lay hidden, life often gets in the way and we sometimes forget, take the time to dig out those boxes, take a walk down memory lane, revisit all the reasons you trusted and loved God in the first place. 

You have seen and felt too much to ever walk away without a sense of hope and faith in something bigger than all we can see. I know it’s hard, believe me I do, and sometimes it takes walking away to discover that all along you had truth buried in your heart. Doubt is uncomfortable, to fight takes great strength, but to give up, well that’s not an option. Don Miller once wrote “I can no more understand the totality of God than the pancake I made for breakfast understands the complexity of me”, so therefore don’t beat on yourself for not having all the answers, for being unsure, for being frustrate or scared. We are limited in our understanding, but this doesn’t mean we should give up, it’s like when you are trying to capture that perfect photograph, you and I both know we will forever be in pursuit of it, but it certainly doesn’t stop us from trying. I know that I am a million miles away physically, and that email is certainly not the same as a good old chat over tea, but I am grateful for the technology that makes the world not seem to big and you so far away. Which is why you must always rememeber, “Every heart has so much history. It's my favourite place to start. Sit down awhile and share your narrative with me. I'm not afraid of who you are.” – I love you, and I believe in you, and I know that you will walk through this valley and come out the other side, there is never a place so dark that light will not win! Light always wins. 

Just going to throw in another Donald Miller quote for good measure:
“There is something beautiful about a billion stars held steady by a God who knows what He is doing. (They hang there, the stars, like notes on a page of music, free-form verse, silent mysteries swirling in the blue like jazz.) And as I lay there, it occurred to me that God is up there somewhere. Of course, I had always known He was, but this time I felt it, I realized it, the way a person realizes they are hungry or thirsty. The knowledge of God seeped out of my brain and into my heart. I imagined Him looking down on this earth, half angry because His beloved mankind had cheated on Him, had committed adultery, and yet hopelessly in love with her, drunk with love for her.”

― Donald Miller
 

Don’t give up the fight, God isn’t walking away, take the time to let Him show you all over again, the ways in which He loves you...starting with His sacrifice. You are going to be ok. Till then, I will help you fight.

I have been sitting here, looking at this blank page for the last 30 minutes, willing the words to write themselves, not because I have nothing to say, quite the opposite actually. It seems that I have so many things that words seem unfitting and not enough to express all that my head and heart have experienced and are feeling right now. I remember reading once that “the most important things are hardest to say because words diminish them”... and that’s how I feel right now, as though my words are not enough, are not going to do justice to all that is going on in this moment. 

So...I guess for know I’ll just tell it how it is and hope that my words are enough, that I will look back and be able to recall I was I thinking and feeling, even if my words fail. 

This week has been an interesting one, I have now been sick for over two weeks. It started out as just a cold, nothing like the “man flu” I am sure, however it definitely left me feeling rather under the weather. That said, my Mumma, bless her, brought us up tough, we went to school regardless of our ailments, pretty much unless we were dying we were given chewable vitamin c and sent packing. Now, I am totally grateful for this, I remember once driving to work one morning, having been up all night sick, only to throw up on the side of the road, and realise that if I didn’t get home ASAP I would have to sell my car, or at least remove the seat because last night’s dinner was determined to escape via whatever means...ok too much information I get it, moral of the story is, my mum made me pretty tough and so despite this persistent cold/flu thing, I powered on, jogged almost every day and decided that I was not going to bail on a weekend in Coburg just to stay at home and rest.

And so last Saturday, Kristin, Robert and I headed in Coburg, a small city about an hour and a half from here (that is if you do 160 on the autobahn). Ramona, my first German friend, who works and lives in Coburg during the week, so suggested we meet for coffee after she finished for the day. There was plenty to see and do, but not to be missed was the famous Veste. So we hiked our way up to the Veste Coburg also know as a fortress, or castle. Ok so maybe hike is an over exaggeration...it was probably closer to a stroll, but having done 100 squads while holding Robert the day before, it felt like a hike. Either way, it was beyond worth it! I was mesmerised and blown away by the detail and beauty of this place. There was something so incredibly haunting about this 1000 year old castle built on top of this mountain (hill) that over looked Coburg. It was nothing like I had ever seen; it even had one of those metal gate things with spikes on the end that drops down from the roof! 

It was so peaceful, while it towered over me, I imagined what it must have been like to live here, waking up every day to this wondrous sight...to most Germans however it’s just another castle, I guess just like in Australia, I am mostly unperturbed by a gum tree, or a kangaroos, but seriously I mean it’s phenomenal to think men built these castles without any of the modern day technology! After walking back down we headed back into the city square, which is an artwork itself, beautiful frescos painted on the outside of buildings, each building a colour that you’d expect to find in an ice creamery, which embellishments and details galore! It was a sight to behold! I stayed in Coburg Saturday night at Ramona’s. We headed into the city at about 11, apparently a typical German happy hour, I was thinking to myself...heck it’s already like an hour past my bed time...Once we got to the Sonnterbarr I was instructed to try a Bacardi Ruts (I think that’s what it’s called) which is Bacardi and some mixer with Raspberries! Whatever it was, it was divine! I was in Raspberry heaven, even more so because being the token Aussie meant that I think I paid for one drink the whole night! SCORE! Ramona's fellow German friends were so welcoming and aided my in my attempted to speak Deutsch, even practicing with me the tremendously hard ch sound!

After a few more clubs/pubs/bars and some epic moves burning up the dance floor, we headed home around 4.30 am which was actually 5.30 because day light savings started...and what do you know Ramona suggests we get Kebabs! Ha! Seems Aussies aren’t the only ones who think a Kebab is a brilliant idea for breakfast before you have even been to sleep! However, the Kebab shop closed as we got there, completely bummed we hung around a while like paupers in the hopes of securing a left over morsel and low and behold...the nice Greek man walks around the back and hands me a delicious warm treat that Ramona and I go halves in! Winning!

Being that we didn’t get to bed till some crazy hour, we slept till 12 which meant I had to catch the later train home. We almost missed the train actually, and I got to experience the adrenaline that contestants on the amazing race must feel. After having paid 22 euro for a one way ticket there was no way I was going to miss this train, so here I was a little dazed and cloudy from a few too many Bacardi Ruts, running through the train station with my pretzel that I had to buy because the ticket machine wouldn’t take 50’s, a bag slung over my shoulder while trying to hold up my pants because I conveniently left my belt at home. But alas, I made it in the nick of time! The rest of the afternoon was a blur though, I think I was coming down of an adrenaline high, that or I was just hung over...

OK... this entry now resembles a uni essay so I will leave the other exciting stories for another day! I am heading to Spain in two days so won’t be back till next Wednesday, till then, Guten Morgen, Guten Nacht (which ever). Oh, and Mum, Nan and Pop, I know you can’t help it but please try not to worry, I am fine and I will be safe, the hostel in Madrid are expecting me so if I don’t turn up they will send out a search party I’m sure.

Much love

So...just wanted to share a few things that I am thankful for today

Coffee...served to me by a beautiful italian/german man

Books so good they make you want to jump up and down and laugh out loud

Running at dusk, my heart pumping, legs burning with the sun setting infront of me

My mum, who never ceases to amaze me in all her strength

Suey, who gets my music and who I know will be at home dancing to the Lumineers in her PJ's

Moments with Robert where I am left in awe of the miracle of children

God's ever present peace when things don't work the way I'd hoped

Learning a new language that forces my brain to work

The colour of the sky right now!

And little reminders of home, even when I am 16000km away

Bless this day and bless your heart xx

So, a few things I have learnt in the past week, one, Germans are super strict – about everything it seems, and two, I think maybe this country, while flourishing is still being weighed down by the guilt of its forefathers and the bloodshed of WWII.

Let’s start with this strict business, well I still do not have a visa, and not from lack of trying, my German family have done everything in their power to get this sorted, but its seems as though they are scared that I am an illegal immigrant who might potentially be harmful to society or something, either that or the lady at the “office” hates her job and therefore refuses to actually investigate and ask the necessary questions to ensure that I receive a Working Holiday Visa.  Applying for this requires me to have financial support, a sponsor, evidence that I am learning about the German culture and language, health insurance, a valid passport and a flight out of here – all of which I have and have provided evidence of mind you... but alas, for some reason this lady is not so concerned with getting this completed, oh if only her work were commission based... On top of that, my mum sent through a package containing my camera and some summer clothing, because it worked out cheaper to do that than pay the 50 bucks per kilo I would have had to pay had I crammed it into my suitcase... My darling mother posted it express so that I wouldn’t be without my beloved dresses and camera too long, it came last week and I still have not been able to take it home. They are holding it hostage until I pay the 20% tax on the total value of the items...waaaaa ok ok it’s not that drastic and I am not too concerned...yet, I am just hoping that the lady takes pity on the poor aupair and believes me when I say I have no intention of selling my belongings to make money. Gosh I hope they don’t base the tax on the original retail value, I’ll be looking to pay like 600 dollars tax on a camera that I bought second hand for 800 dollars! ok enough ranting about that, perhaps her dog died, or she has pms, or she hates her job and her kid is failing German...either way, I will opted to prayer for her and trust that God is in this and because I know for sure I am meant to be here, I also have to believe that it will all work out, in the mean time I’ll eat ice-cream and enjoy this glorious weather. 

On the other hand... a far more concerning and sadder note, I am sitting here pondering this beautiful country’s tarnished history. It is evident that the people here are stilling feeling the guilt and weight of the bloodshed and hurt caused by Hitler and his troops in 67 odd years. I have visited two incredibly beautiful cities nearby Werneck, one is roughly 1000 years old, the other, theoretically, and only about 66 years old...Wurzburg is a wondrous and breathtaking city surrounded by hilly vineyards and a huge baroque castle that looks over the city. Its cobble stone streets, gloriously detailed fountains, cathedrals, frescos and beautifully crafted bridges reflect its rich culture. However, underneath all this beauty lies a city that was once bombed so badly that only 15% remained standing after roughly 200 bombs weighing about 500kg each were dropped on the city by English fighter pilots. On March 16 1945, Wurzburg became nothing but a pile of rubble, killing more than 5000 people the city was in utter devastation. They were unprepared and even though many people were able to find shelter in their cellars, most were forced out due to the sheer heat. I wouldn’t never have guessed looking at the city now. 

It was only after we had enjoyed amazing ice-cream and coffee in one of the little cafes just beside the bridge that we walked over to the War Memorial Museum and I learnt the history of this city. The museum is a small room which explains some of the events that took place on March 16^th. The images and facts displayed on its walls and the small replica of the devastated city were almost overwhelming.

Würzburg had seen a lot in its 1300 years of existence. There were revolts and peasant wars, witch burnings and squabbles between one prince and another. But I don't think this once astonishingly beautiful city had seen anything like what it witnessed on the 16^th of March. The main reason they were so unprepared was because as far as the people knew, the war was pretty much over, and being that Winston Churchill studied in their city, and in reality there was no point in the bombing of this city as the industrial cities close by had already been bombed, the people felt rather safe from attacks.

It was mostly women and children who died, and when the war was over, it was the women who aided in rebuilding this city. At the time there was suggestions of leaving the city as it was as a reminder of the devastation of war, however the people here were resilient and built the city up once again. Too look at it now you would have no idea that it was once nothing but rocks and ash. I was astounded by the truth and enormity of this devastation, having not lived through the war and only studying it from the safety and isolation of Australia, I have never physically been confront with it. After leaving Wurzburg grateful, I started reading more and more about the war that killed nearly 20 million people. I came across so many readings and websites that discuss the destruction and devastation that this war brought and it became increasing evident that Germany and its people still are yet to forgive themselves. 

As much as Germany has rebuilt its self out of the ashes and established ties with countries that were once enemies, there is still this huge sense of guilt and shame lurking in the consciousness of the population. Nobody has yet to come forth and absolve Germany of it’s sins of WWII, least of all the German people themselves. This made me incredibly sad, because although most Germans don’t understand sarcasm or appreciate too much humour, they are lovely, welcoming, and incredibly warm people (ok maybe with the exception of the ladies in the office). I can’t imagine what it’s like to live in a country that most of the rest of the world were taught to hate due to the awful leadership and evil that followed Adolf Hitler, who mind you wasn’t even German. Then again, Australia has a history that I am not proud of, however I also know that for all its flaws and history that is sour, Australia has come a long way, with a long way to go naturally, however it offers so much and I am certainly proud to call it home. I just hope one day that the German people will be forgiven their past, forgive themselves and feel at peace to leave the past buried under the new cities that now stand beautifully in the place of devastation. 

Oh there is still so much to learn and discover about this nation! And well, looking back over the words I wrote complaining about my visa woes, I now feel a little silly, they are not big problems...nothing like gaining a better perspective from contemplation...

Today was a good day, you know those days where everything just seems right with the world (Ok, so I am fully aware of how much is not right with the world, but bare with me)...I woke up with a smile on my face, not for any particular reason except that I am happy to be alive. Spring is here, the sun is shining and I woke to a cool breeze kissing my cheek and black birds singing me into the morning. I had my first whole day with Robert today. 

This little boy makes the world a brighter place with his laugh! He is so pure and joyful right now, he has an appreciate for things that adults forget to marvel at, like the ducks that dive and fly and float and quack, or bob, the fat cat that lives down stairs, the flowers that are beginning to bloom, and my favourite, the humble or should I say not so humble spiders web. He can pick a spiders web from a mile away, I am sure of it! I was dressing him this morning and this smile came over his face like a kid on Christmas morning “Lori! Lori! Hey....spidersweb!!” in his littler German accent! I turned to find it, it took me a good 10 seconds before I realised it was this tiny little string of strength suspended outside his bedroom window. We forget...We forget the miracle of the spidersweb...We forget to be amazed and marvel at just how truly wonderful this daily happening is. 

The strength of spider silk is greater than the same weight of steel and has much greater elasticity! On top of that spiders often eat the silk again to reuse the energy it takes to spin the silk in the first place! These little creatures are phenomenal, and yet we often think of them as a pests...it took a 2 year old absorbed in wonder for me to really stop and appreciate a spidersweb... And for that matter spiders themselves, they are so resourceful and purposeful in creating these temporary homes that catch their food, and when you take the time you realise just how beautiful they are. I mean after having to look at every spidersweb today, I’d guess maybe 12 (which is A LOT for germany, they just don’t have spiders like we know in Australia), I was surprised at just how rarely I ever consider or appreciate the little things that are in fact big miracles that occur every day. 

We wonder at huge things like waterfalls, the stars, a baby being born, and rightfully so, those things are amazing and God certainly deserve applause for them, but I think maybe we would find far more to praise God for if we stopped every once in a while to be captivated but the littler, but no less wonderous miracles, like birds singing, the sun rising, the wind blowing, gravity, and spiderswebs. So, here’s to exploring the world with the wonder of a 2 year old, and praise to God for a good day!

The seasons are shifting, The winter shades lifting,
The springtime is filling
Earth's children with mirth.
The daffodil yellow, The south wind so mellow,
The gentle rain falling,
Upon the green earth.
The song sparrow singing, New life quickly springing,
All nature is telling
A tale of rebirth:
The deep wells of being, Beyond each day's seeing,
O'er flowing with new Life,
Restoring the earth.

-David E Bumbaugh

Not that it surprises me anymore, but wow, a sunny day can has to power to change anyones disposition. Not that I was particularly miserable or sad, I think it was just being stuck inside with a box of tissue for the past two days that had me feeling some what less than my happy self. However I woke up to the sun greeting me at my window, my cold a little less ruthless and my nose not so sneezy, so I knew it was going to be a good day!

One thing I have noticed and appreciated since being here, in this sleepy little town of Werneck is that unlike Australia, the seasons here are so distinct and purposeful. Don’t get me wrong, any Australian will tell you that we have four seasons and this is obvious, I mean heck, winter can get down to what like 8 degrees!! And summer, well we all know what a 45 degree day locked in a classroom feels like. But here, on the other side of the world, the seasons, they are different. Winter is cold, ok thats an understatement, but here everything dies, nothing grows, except for maybe apples and waistlines, even the carrots and potatoes they often have to import, so let’s not even talk about exotic fruits and vegetables like bananas and broccoli. The grass turns brown the trees loose leaves and while you are walking around in a winter wonderland, you are also walking around with trees that resemble skeletons. 

It’s beautiful of course, breathtaking even, however if this season, this cold was to extend the whole year round...well, it would start to steal our joy I’d say. But just about the time you think “I have had enough” you notice a sprout, a little tiny bloom of hope that says spring is coming, hold on it will be here soon. That’s what it’s like here now, the fields are still bare and the trees still skeletons, but on my daily walking I am noticing more and more tiny like bursts of spring, bursts of joy, the people know it, the birds know it, and I know it! It’s an amazing thing to see, ofcourse I noticed in Australia as well, though gum trees never lost their leaves and things were still quite green even in winter. 

And so, I am sitting on the balcony overlooking the fields that any day now will start sprouting and looking as though they have been splashed with green and yellow, I am soaking up this glorious sun, listening to music that moves my soul to dance, grateful for the winter,  but welcoming the spring with open arms. It's also bringing hope of a year of change, I know that there will be times this year where the seasons seem to drag on and I will at times I'm sure feel a little tired, homesick, lonely, but then I'll remember, spring follows every winter, and day every night...