Over the last few years, particularly from about 2007 till
now, or more accurately the beginning of last year, I was on a rollercoaster of
drama and self made emotionally pilgrimages. I remember when I was younger I
was not so gifted in speaking my mind with confidence, or in fact at all. I
would more often than not keep my opinions and thoughts to myself for fear of
being wrong, and or because I wanted desperately to be liked, to the point of
being a doormat. I would apologise to the woman in the supermarket who ran over
my toe with her trolley, “sorry...my fault, I was in your way”. In some senses
it was easier because it meant avoiding confrontation. However it also meant
more often than not I would hurt without expressing that to the person who hurt
me, I would avoid conveying my feelings good or otherwise for fear of being
thought of as stupid or whatever other negative adjective.
I think in some cases I missed out on a lot, perhaps I saved
myself from hurt and humiliation but I think maybe I also sacrificed some
wonderful human experiences. Art saved me from that, in my final year of
university I spent 12 months painstakingly hand printing pages of what would
become a coffee table book full of all those things that have never been said.
Friends, family and strangers alike contributed, writing anonymously 10 things
they had always wanted to say to ten different people, but never did. Spending
so much time and effort, pouring a part of my soul into a work like that, I
started chipping away at my fears. It made me realise that, as Dr Seuss once
said “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter
and those who matter don't mind”, those most important to me, whom loved me the
most would still be there at the end of the day, even if they didn’t like what
I had to say. So with that, I started saying all I needed to say, and slowly
(and I mean extremely slowly) start to be honest about who I was.
These days, as those of you who know me best are well aware,
I am rather forthcoming when it comes to my feelings. I don’t hold back so much
anymore, if I love you, you know it, and if you have wronged me or a friend,
you know it, and if I care deeply about you then there is a good chance I have
expressed my concern about your actions, relationship, or certain situation at
some point etc. Don’t mistake me, I am not one to shoot of my mouth and give my
advice where it’s not needed (maybe some would disagree) or where it would not
be helpful, for instances I certainly wouldn’t tell someone I just met that
their new hair cut looks like Edward Scissorhands went all Brittany Spears on
their head. But, I have had some tough discussions, some in which I was
professing my love, some I was rebuking a friend, some I was the one having my
arse kicked. Regardless, I have learned that honesty is vital in any
relationship, and the worst case scenario usually never plays out, I say
usually, because my utter honesty once in fact absolutely shattered my heart,
and surprisingly it wasn’t unrequited love, though I am certainly well
acquainted with that.
Being honest not only with my words but with my actions as
well, is something that has been vital in coming into a home and country that
for me was completely foreign and unfamiliar. I am someone who makes friends
pretty easily, I guess in some way my motto is that strangers are just friends
I haven’t met yet. So coming here, to this place, I knew that if I was going to
make friends, and fast, I would have to be honest, open and wear my heart on my
sleeve. Looking back I am so grateful that I did, as I begin to consider all
that it means to leave this place and head back to Australia, I am overwhelmed
at what this past year has brought me. In being honest and vulnerable and
trusting I have opened myself up to some of the most breathtaking,
heartbreaking, incredible experiences and relationships that will forever
remain in my heart, labelled the “German files”.
I have visited over 8
different countries, over 25 amazing cities, learned another language, learned
to ski (well sort of), tasted amazing food, beer and chocolate, seen incomparable
beauty, yet none of that matches all that I have gained and experienced through
the relationships I have developed. I fell in love here, in every sense of the
word, I had my heart broken, and I know I will again when I have to say
goodbye, but for all the heartache I have been given enough to know that just
as these people have worked their way into my heart and life, I have done the
same. Knowing that despite only being here for a short time in the big scheme
of things, and still having had created bonds that I know will last a lifetime,
is more than I could have ever hoped for. I expected to fall in love here, to
love these people, but nothing could have prepared me this. It will break my
heart to have to leave, not knowing when it is I will be greeted with hugs and
smiles again, but that’s okay, I would rather live my life like this, opening
my heart up, pouring my love everywhere and risking the hurt that comes with
goodbyes than to miss out on such wonder and beauty. Hearing this little boy
say to me “I love you to the moon and back” makes it all worthwhile.
So, in the
end, I guess my point is this, be honest, open your heart, trust, and give all
that you have to give to the people around you, because the risks are nothing
compared to what you stand to gain. I am so grateful that all those years ago I
embarked on a journey that broke my shell and led me here.
