I have this friend...who despite her best efforts to come across as anything else, is the kindest, sweetest, biggest hearted person I know. I am not going to tell you her name, I know she wouldn’t want me to. However, I know that as soon as she read this, and I know that she will, most probably on the toilet, she will know I am talking to her. This amazing person has been in my life for the best part of seven years, and in that time, there have been countless moments, where in the darkness her hand has reached down to me and pulled me back into the light, other times where I refused to budge, she brought the light to me. Whether through humour, or through an honest heart to heart, where she was never afraid to just tell it like it is, and hit me with the truth, even if it’s not what I wanted to hear. For this I will forever be truly grateful.

This friend, has also been there for some of my most favourite memories, coming to mind right now include, numerous hair dying incidents, eating ten packets of mi goreng, or at least till we had food babies, writing all over the toilet walls in her house (probably from the room she is reading this blog from), her wedding day, in which she was just such a stunning sight to behold, meeting and hugging and kissing her children, oh oh and housing sitting and rushing her to the hospital when she broke her toe...best 8 hours ever ‘s ;)... It’s a wondrous thing, friendship, there is nothing quite as sweet as discovering something in a person that you connect with, there is this moment where you think “oh you too?...” and you just know that you will be friends forever, through trials and pain, through joy and success. This friend, well I know she was always meant to be my friend, we are kindred spirits her and I.
 

To this person, I have been thinking of you a lot of the last week, and well there are a few things I need to say to you... firstly, I know, I know how hard it is to be in a dark place despite your best efforts, despite knowing that life is good. I know how much you love your husband and your kids, I know that you feel as though this struggle for joy seems unjustified. But let me tell you, it’s not, it’s ok to be weak, to not have the answers, to feel as though you are at the end of your tether... it’s not ok however to remain there... A dear friend of mine once said, “feel what it is you are feeling, feel the weight of it, the pain of it, and then let it go...” You are strong! You possess an inner strength that is rare and often goes unnoticed, but for all you have endured, over come and refused to let ruin your disposition, you have gained an incredible ability to overcome anything life throws your way. And you and I both know that life throws curve balls at times, and at others gives us lemons.

I think sometimes the darkness creeps over us almost like a comforting blanket that we don’t fight at first, it’s not until the true weight of it, the sense we are being strangled by this darkness do we start to panic and feel trapped, aiming to grab hold of anything that will bring us hope. My darling, do not give up, do not give in, God is big enough to handle our anger, our doubt, our fears, and He will never ever quit on you. EVER. Nothing you do or say will increase or diminish His love for you. I know that deep down in your heart, truths that you have always know and held on to lay hidden, life often gets in the way and we sometimes forget, take the time to dig out those boxes, take a walk down memory lane, revisit all the reasons you trusted and loved God in the first place. 

You have seen and felt too much to ever walk away without a sense of hope and faith in something bigger than all we can see. I know it’s hard, believe me I do, and sometimes it takes walking away to discover that all along you had truth buried in your heart. Doubt is uncomfortable, to fight takes great strength, but to give up, well that’s not an option. Don Miller once wrote “I can no more understand the totality of God than the pancake I made for breakfast understands the complexity of me”, so therefore don’t beat on yourself for not having all the answers, for being unsure, for being frustrate or scared. We are limited in our understanding, but this doesn’t mean we should give up, it’s like when you are trying to capture that perfect photograph, you and I both know we will forever be in pursuit of it, but it certainly doesn’t stop us from trying. I know that I am a million miles away physically, and that email is certainly not the same as a good old chat over tea, but I am grateful for the technology that makes the world not seem to big and you so far away. Which is why you must always rememeber, “Every heart has so much history. It's my favourite place to start. Sit down awhile and share your narrative with me. I'm not afraid of who you are.” – I love you, and I believe in you, and I know that you will walk through this valley and come out the other side, there is never a place so dark that light will not win! Light always wins. 

Just going to throw in another Donald Miller quote for good measure:
“There is something beautiful about a billion stars held steady by a God who knows what He is doing. (They hang there, the stars, like notes on a page of music, free-form verse, silent mysteries swirling in the blue like jazz.) And as I lay there, it occurred to me that God is up there somewhere. Of course, I had always known He was, but this time I felt it, I realized it, the way a person realizes they are hungry or thirsty. The knowledge of God seeped out of my brain and into my heart. I imagined Him looking down on this earth, half angry because His beloved mankind had cheated on Him, had committed adultery, and yet hopelessly in love with her, drunk with love for her.”

― Donald Miller
 

Don’t give up the fight, God isn’t walking away, take the time to let Him show you all over again, the ways in which He loves you...starting with His sacrifice. You are going to be ok. Till then, I will help you fight.

I have been sitting here, looking at this blank page for the last 30 minutes, willing the words to write themselves, not because I have nothing to say, quite the opposite actually. It seems that I have so many things that words seem unfitting and not enough to express all that my head and heart have experienced and are feeling right now. I remember reading once that “the most important things are hardest to say because words diminish them”... and that’s how I feel right now, as though my words are not enough, are not going to do justice to all that is going on in this moment. 

So...I guess for know I’ll just tell it how it is and hope that my words are enough, that I will look back and be able to recall I was I thinking and feeling, even if my words fail. 

This week has been an interesting one, I have now been sick for over two weeks. It started out as just a cold, nothing like the “man flu” I am sure, however it definitely left me feeling rather under the weather. That said, my Mumma, bless her, brought us up tough, we went to school regardless of our ailments, pretty much unless we were dying we were given chewable vitamin c and sent packing. Now, I am totally grateful for this, I remember once driving to work one morning, having been up all night sick, only to throw up on the side of the road, and realise that if I didn’t get home ASAP I would have to sell my car, or at least remove the seat because last night’s dinner was determined to escape via whatever means...ok too much information I get it, moral of the story is, my mum made me pretty tough and so despite this persistent cold/flu thing, I powered on, jogged almost every day and decided that I was not going to bail on a weekend in Coburg just to stay at home and rest.

And so last Saturday, Kristin, Robert and I headed in Coburg, a small city about an hour and a half from here (that is if you do 160 on the autobahn). Ramona, my first German friend, who works and lives in Coburg during the week, so suggested we meet for coffee after she finished for the day. There was plenty to see and do, but not to be missed was the famous Veste. So we hiked our way up to the Veste Coburg also know as a fortress, or castle. Ok so maybe hike is an over exaggeration...it was probably closer to a stroll, but having done 100 squads while holding Robert the day before, it felt like a hike. Either way, it was beyond worth it! I was mesmerised and blown away by the detail and beauty of this place. There was something so incredibly haunting about this 1000 year old castle built on top of this mountain (hill) that over looked Coburg. It was nothing like I had ever seen; it even had one of those metal gate things with spikes on the end that drops down from the roof! 

It was so peaceful, while it towered over me, I imagined what it must have been like to live here, waking up every day to this wondrous sight...to most Germans however it’s just another castle, I guess just like in Australia, I am mostly unperturbed by a gum tree, or a kangaroos, but seriously I mean it’s phenomenal to think men built these castles without any of the modern day technology! After walking back down we headed back into the city square, which is an artwork itself, beautiful frescos painted on the outside of buildings, each building a colour that you’d expect to find in an ice creamery, which embellishments and details galore! It was a sight to behold! I stayed in Coburg Saturday night at Ramona’s. We headed into the city at about 11, apparently a typical German happy hour, I was thinking to myself...heck it’s already like an hour past my bed time...Once we got to the Sonnterbarr I was instructed to try a Bacardi Ruts (I think that’s what it’s called) which is Bacardi and some mixer with Raspberries! Whatever it was, it was divine! I was in Raspberry heaven, even more so because being the token Aussie meant that I think I paid for one drink the whole night! SCORE! Ramona's fellow German friends were so welcoming and aided my in my attempted to speak Deutsch, even practicing with me the tremendously hard ch sound!

After a few more clubs/pubs/bars and some epic moves burning up the dance floor, we headed home around 4.30 am which was actually 5.30 because day light savings started...and what do you know Ramona suggests we get Kebabs! Ha! Seems Aussies aren’t the only ones who think a Kebab is a brilliant idea for breakfast before you have even been to sleep! However, the Kebab shop closed as we got there, completely bummed we hung around a while like paupers in the hopes of securing a left over morsel and low and behold...the nice Greek man walks around the back and hands me a delicious warm treat that Ramona and I go halves in! Winning!

Being that we didn’t get to bed till some crazy hour, we slept till 12 which meant I had to catch the later train home. We almost missed the train actually, and I got to experience the adrenaline that contestants on the amazing race must feel. After having paid 22 euro for a one way ticket there was no way I was going to miss this train, so here I was a little dazed and cloudy from a few too many Bacardi Ruts, running through the train station with my pretzel that I had to buy because the ticket machine wouldn’t take 50’s, a bag slung over my shoulder while trying to hold up my pants because I conveniently left my belt at home. But alas, I made it in the nick of time! The rest of the afternoon was a blur though, I think I was coming down of an adrenaline high, that or I was just hung over...

OK... this entry now resembles a uni essay so I will leave the other exciting stories for another day! I am heading to Spain in two days so won’t be back till next Wednesday, till then, Guten Morgen, Guten Nacht (which ever). Oh, and Mum, Nan and Pop, I know you can’t help it but please try not to worry, I am fine and I will be safe, the hostel in Madrid are expecting me so if I don’t turn up they will send out a search party I’m sure.

Much love

So...just wanted to share a few things that I am thankful for today

Coffee...served to me by a beautiful italian/german man

Books so good they make you want to jump up and down and laugh out loud

Running at dusk, my heart pumping, legs burning with the sun setting infront of me

My mum, who never ceases to amaze me in all her strength

Suey, who gets my music and who I know will be at home dancing to the Lumineers in her PJ's

Moments with Robert where I am left in awe of the miracle of children

God's ever present peace when things don't work the way I'd hoped

Learning a new language that forces my brain to work

The colour of the sky right now!

And little reminders of home, even when I am 16000km away

Bless this day and bless your heart xx

So, a few things I have learnt in the past week, one, Germans are super strict – about everything it seems, and two, I think maybe this country, while flourishing is still being weighed down by the guilt of its forefathers and the bloodshed of WWII.

Let’s start with this strict business, well I still do not have a visa, and not from lack of trying, my German family have done everything in their power to get this sorted, but its seems as though they are scared that I am an illegal immigrant who might potentially be harmful to society or something, either that or the lady at the “office” hates her job and therefore refuses to actually investigate and ask the necessary questions to ensure that I receive a Working Holiday Visa.  Applying for this requires me to have financial support, a sponsor, evidence that I am learning about the German culture and language, health insurance, a valid passport and a flight out of here – all of which I have and have provided evidence of mind you... but alas, for some reason this lady is not so concerned with getting this completed, oh if only her work were commission based... On top of that, my mum sent through a package containing my camera and some summer clothing, because it worked out cheaper to do that than pay the 50 bucks per kilo I would have had to pay had I crammed it into my suitcase... My darling mother posted it express so that I wouldn’t be without my beloved dresses and camera too long, it came last week and I still have not been able to take it home. They are holding it hostage until I pay the 20% tax on the total value of the items...waaaaa ok ok it’s not that drastic and I am not too concerned...yet, I am just hoping that the lady takes pity on the poor aupair and believes me when I say I have no intention of selling my belongings to make money. Gosh I hope they don’t base the tax on the original retail value, I’ll be looking to pay like 600 dollars tax on a camera that I bought second hand for 800 dollars! ok enough ranting about that, perhaps her dog died, or she has pms, or she hates her job and her kid is failing German...either way, I will opted to prayer for her and trust that God is in this and because I know for sure I am meant to be here, I also have to believe that it will all work out, in the mean time I’ll eat ice-cream and enjoy this glorious weather. 

On the other hand... a far more concerning and sadder note, I am sitting here pondering this beautiful country’s tarnished history. It is evident that the people here are stilling feeling the guilt and weight of the bloodshed and hurt caused by Hitler and his troops in 67 odd years. I have visited two incredibly beautiful cities nearby Werneck, one is roughly 1000 years old, the other, theoretically, and only about 66 years old...Wurzburg is a wondrous and breathtaking city surrounded by hilly vineyards and a huge baroque castle that looks over the city. Its cobble stone streets, gloriously detailed fountains, cathedrals, frescos and beautifully crafted bridges reflect its rich culture. However, underneath all this beauty lies a city that was once bombed so badly that only 15% remained standing after roughly 200 bombs weighing about 500kg each were dropped on the city by English fighter pilots. On March 16 1945, Wurzburg became nothing but a pile of rubble, killing more than 5000 people the city was in utter devastation. They were unprepared and even though many people were able to find shelter in their cellars, most were forced out due to the sheer heat. I wouldn’t never have guessed looking at the city now. 

It was only after we had enjoyed amazing ice-cream and coffee in one of the little cafes just beside the bridge that we walked over to the War Memorial Museum and I learnt the history of this city. The museum is a small room which explains some of the events that took place on March 16^th. The images and facts displayed on its walls and the small replica of the devastated city were almost overwhelming.

Würzburg had seen a lot in its 1300 years of existence. There were revolts and peasant wars, witch burnings and squabbles between one prince and another. But I don't think this once astonishingly beautiful city had seen anything like what it witnessed on the 16^th of March. The main reason they were so unprepared was because as far as the people knew, the war was pretty much over, and being that Winston Churchill studied in their city, and in reality there was no point in the bombing of this city as the industrial cities close by had already been bombed, the people felt rather safe from attacks.

It was mostly women and children who died, and when the war was over, it was the women who aided in rebuilding this city. At the time there was suggestions of leaving the city as it was as a reminder of the devastation of war, however the people here were resilient and built the city up once again. Too look at it now you would have no idea that it was once nothing but rocks and ash. I was astounded by the truth and enormity of this devastation, having not lived through the war and only studying it from the safety and isolation of Australia, I have never physically been confront with it. After leaving Wurzburg grateful, I started reading more and more about the war that killed nearly 20 million people. I came across so many readings and websites that discuss the destruction and devastation that this war brought and it became increasing evident that Germany and its people still are yet to forgive themselves. 

As much as Germany has rebuilt its self out of the ashes and established ties with countries that were once enemies, there is still this huge sense of guilt and shame lurking in the consciousness of the population. Nobody has yet to come forth and absolve Germany of it’s sins of WWII, least of all the German people themselves. This made me incredibly sad, because although most Germans don’t understand sarcasm or appreciate too much humour, they are lovely, welcoming, and incredibly warm people (ok maybe with the exception of the ladies in the office). I can’t imagine what it’s like to live in a country that most of the rest of the world were taught to hate due to the awful leadership and evil that followed Adolf Hitler, who mind you wasn’t even German. Then again, Australia has a history that I am not proud of, however I also know that for all its flaws and history that is sour, Australia has come a long way, with a long way to go naturally, however it offers so much and I am certainly proud to call it home. I just hope one day that the German people will be forgiven their past, forgive themselves and feel at peace to leave the past buried under the new cities that now stand beautifully in the place of devastation. 

Oh there is still so much to learn and discover about this nation! And well, looking back over the words I wrote complaining about my visa woes, I now feel a little silly, they are not big problems...nothing like gaining a better perspective from contemplation...

Today was a good day, you know those days where everything just seems right with the world (Ok, so I am fully aware of how much is not right with the world, but bare with me)...I woke up with a smile on my face, not for any particular reason except that I am happy to be alive. Spring is here, the sun is shining and I woke to a cool breeze kissing my cheek and black birds singing me into the morning. I had my first whole day with Robert today. 

This little boy makes the world a brighter place with his laugh! He is so pure and joyful right now, he has an appreciate for things that adults forget to marvel at, like the ducks that dive and fly and float and quack, or bob, the fat cat that lives down stairs, the flowers that are beginning to bloom, and my favourite, the humble or should I say not so humble spiders web. He can pick a spiders web from a mile away, I am sure of it! I was dressing him this morning and this smile came over his face like a kid on Christmas morning “Lori! Lori! Hey....spidersweb!!” in his littler German accent! I turned to find it, it took me a good 10 seconds before I realised it was this tiny little string of strength suspended outside his bedroom window. We forget...We forget the miracle of the spidersweb...We forget to be amazed and marvel at just how truly wonderful this daily happening is. 

The strength of spider silk is greater than the same weight of steel and has much greater elasticity! On top of that spiders often eat the silk again to reuse the energy it takes to spin the silk in the first place! These little creatures are phenomenal, and yet we often think of them as a pests...it took a 2 year old absorbed in wonder for me to really stop and appreciate a spidersweb... And for that matter spiders themselves, they are so resourceful and purposeful in creating these temporary homes that catch their food, and when you take the time you realise just how beautiful they are. I mean after having to look at every spidersweb today, I’d guess maybe 12 (which is A LOT for germany, they just don’t have spiders like we know in Australia), I was surprised at just how rarely I ever consider or appreciate the little things that are in fact big miracles that occur every day. 

We wonder at huge things like waterfalls, the stars, a baby being born, and rightfully so, those things are amazing and God certainly deserve applause for them, but I think maybe we would find far more to praise God for if we stopped every once in a while to be captivated but the littler, but no less wonderous miracles, like birds singing, the sun rising, the wind blowing, gravity, and spiderswebs. So, here’s to exploring the world with the wonder of a 2 year old, and praise to God for a good day!

The seasons are shifting, The winter shades lifting,
The springtime is filling
Earth's children with mirth.
The daffodil yellow, The south wind so mellow,
The gentle rain falling,
Upon the green earth.
The song sparrow singing, New life quickly springing,
All nature is telling
A tale of rebirth:
The deep wells of being, Beyond each day's seeing,
O'er flowing with new Life,
Restoring the earth.

-David E Bumbaugh

Not that it surprises me anymore, but wow, a sunny day can has to power to change anyones disposition. Not that I was particularly miserable or sad, I think it was just being stuck inside with a box of tissue for the past two days that had me feeling some what less than my happy self. However I woke up to the sun greeting me at my window, my cold a little less ruthless and my nose not so sneezy, so I knew it was going to be a good day!

One thing I have noticed and appreciated since being here, in this sleepy little town of Werneck is that unlike Australia, the seasons here are so distinct and purposeful. Don’t get me wrong, any Australian will tell you that we have four seasons and this is obvious, I mean heck, winter can get down to what like 8 degrees!! And summer, well we all know what a 45 degree day locked in a classroom feels like. But here, on the other side of the world, the seasons, they are different. Winter is cold, ok thats an understatement, but here everything dies, nothing grows, except for maybe apples and waistlines, even the carrots and potatoes they often have to import, so let’s not even talk about exotic fruits and vegetables like bananas and broccoli. The grass turns brown the trees loose leaves and while you are walking around in a winter wonderland, you are also walking around with trees that resemble skeletons. 

It’s beautiful of course, breathtaking even, however if this season, this cold was to extend the whole year round...well, it would start to steal our joy I’d say. But just about the time you think “I have had enough” you notice a sprout, a little tiny bloom of hope that says spring is coming, hold on it will be here soon. That’s what it’s like here now, the fields are still bare and the trees still skeletons, but on my daily walking I am noticing more and more tiny like bursts of spring, bursts of joy, the people know it, the birds know it, and I know it! It’s an amazing thing to see, ofcourse I noticed in Australia as well, though gum trees never lost their leaves and things were still quite green even in winter. 

And so, I am sitting on the balcony overlooking the fields that any day now will start sprouting and looking as though they have been splashed with green and yellow, I am soaking up this glorious sun, listening to music that moves my soul to dance, grateful for the winter,  but welcoming the spring with open arms. It's also bringing hope of a year of change, I know that there will be times this year where the seasons seem to drag on and I will at times I'm sure feel a little tired, homesick, lonely, but then I'll remember, spring follows every winter, and day every night...

Well, currently I am snuggled up under a blanket, with ginger tea and a box of tissues because sometime in the last week some kind stranger shared their flu germs with me. It's not so bad though, because I am catching up on reading and watching "New Girl" online...there are of course far more productive things I could be doing such as practising my German, or finding a loop hole in this visa business. At the moment being that I am 25 and too old for an AuPair visa, I have had to apply for a WHV (working holiday visa), which is ok, in theory would be more beneficial, except that I can only stay for 12 months. However, being that this situation apparently doesn't arise very often, no one can really give us a straight answer and so my host family has been ringing a million different people and checking a million different websites...I feel rather helpless, one because I am sick, two, because I can't read or speak German... OK well, moving right along...

Lets back track, so far I have been here for almost two weeks, although it feels like longer, and then at the same time it's flown by, I am not sure if I can accurately describe it. The first weekend I arrived, I got one a bus with 30 or so Germans, most of whom didn't speak or understand English, and drove 5 hours to Austria. To be honest I have no idea where in Austria, but it didn't matter, wherever it was, it was breathtaking! Never have I seen such beauty and wonder, according to the locals it was starting to become drab...

When we got to the top of the mountain, the beauty of it started to become the reason I couldn't breathe, I looked out and down...down and down some more at this mountain that I was going to have to ski down. In reality this was the first time I had ever skied. Actually that's not true, I went once with my family when I was maybe 15. It didn't go so well. I ended up with my feet in the air, bum stuck at the base of a tree after a rookie skier took me out while managing to stay on his feet. I was cold and wet and refused to get back on the ski lift so, 10 years later, it felt like the first time. However, I made a promise to myself, that I was going to give everything a go, even if I was scared. I wasn't just scared, I was terrified, I fogged up my goggles standing still from breathing so heavy, Kristin was so patient though. I think I spend maybe 70 percent of the time on my bum for the first 5 hours or so. After a while I decided it was a good idea to try and reach the pub that all the others were meeting for lunch. On the map it looked no farther than a little cross country ski. 

Oh how wrong I was, After decided there was no way I could make it, I opted to "ski" down and get the chair lift back up to safe ground. There was kids no older than maybe 6 skiing down so I was determined...I got a little bit confident...to confident, next thing I know I am tumbling head first, skis in the air down, straight down this mountain, eating snow and I guess resembling something like a...well a 25 year old who can't ski falling down a mountain. I ended up with some pretty decent bruises, though you know it was far more efficient to make my way down the mountain that way, only took like a minute!

I had some angry Germans yell at me though, and rightfully so I guess, I did almost take out his kid. Anyway all that hard work deserved a rest and a beer! Beer...Sun...no sunglasses...no water...jet lagged...trying to ski...I ended up with a wicked headache that had me so sick I couldn't see straight. So my first night there ended with me popping neurofen and passing out at 8pm. The next day, I traded my skis for snow boots and caught the gondola up to the pub and stayed there...drinking hot chocolate and reading, unable to move because I don't ever remember being so sore in all my life!

However every time I looked outside at the sun pouring down over the white snow capped mountains, it didn't matter because at the end of the time, I was living, living my dream and witnessing some of the most amazing declarations of God's majesty! 

9:50pm on the 29th of Feburary 2012, (I liked to think that leaving on this day would be lucky)...I left my home, my heartland, my friends and family to embrace a story waiting to be written in Werneck, Germany. People often say "I never thought the day would arrive", and now I understand why, though I only planned for 6 months, my final day in Australia always seemed so far away, and as though it may never actually come. Yet here I am, snuggled up in my new bed, in my new home, in a little bavarian town, with the window open and the stars shining brightly above me. God has brought me here, to this place, in His time, and He used my friends and family to get me here. I won't say I didn't have doubts and fears, but there was this incredible peace that would wash over me whenever I felt that tightening you get in your stomach, like just before the rollercoaster drops. I would never have had the courage to leave if not for the promise of home, for the fact that those most important to me will be waiting with open arms, and while I will be different, they will be different, I have no doubt those relationships will pick up where they left off. If I thought for an instant that these people (they know who they are) would forget me, I would never have left. And so...it begins, my year in Deutschland, a dream come true, a story that will change me and shake me and open my heart and mind more than I can imagine I'm sure...