I have this friend...who despite her best efforts to come across as anything else, is the kindest, sweetest, biggest hearted person I know. I am not going to tell you her name, I know she wouldn’t want me to. However, I know that as soon as she read this, and I know that she will, most probably on the toilet, she will know I am talking to her. This amazing person has been in my life for the best part of seven years, and in that time, there have been countless moments, where in the darkness her hand has reached down to me and pulled me back into the light, other times where I refused to budge, she brought the light to me. Whether through humour, or through an honest heart to heart, where she was never afraid to just tell it like it is, and hit me with the truth, even if it’s not what I wanted to hear. For this I will forever be truly grateful.

This friend, has also been there for some of my most favourite memories, coming to mind right now include, numerous hair dying incidents, eating ten packets of mi goreng, or at least till we had food babies, writing all over the toilet walls in her house (probably from the room she is reading this blog from), her wedding day, in which she was just such a stunning sight to behold, meeting and hugging and kissing her children, oh oh and housing sitting and rushing her to the hospital when she broke her toe...best 8 hours ever ‘s ;)... It’s a wondrous thing, friendship, there is nothing quite as sweet as discovering something in a person that you connect with, there is this moment where you think “oh you too?...” and you just know that you will be friends forever, through trials and pain, through joy and success. This friend, well I know she was always meant to be my friend, we are kindred spirits her and I.
 

To this person, I have been thinking of you a lot of the last week, and well there are a few things I need to say to you... firstly, I know, I know how hard it is to be in a dark place despite your best efforts, despite knowing that life is good. I know how much you love your husband and your kids, I know that you feel as though this struggle for joy seems unjustified. But let me tell you, it’s not, it’s ok to be weak, to not have the answers, to feel as though you are at the end of your tether... it’s not ok however to remain there... A dear friend of mine once said, “feel what it is you are feeling, feel the weight of it, the pain of it, and then let it go...” You are strong! You possess an inner strength that is rare and often goes unnoticed, but for all you have endured, over come and refused to let ruin your disposition, you have gained an incredible ability to overcome anything life throws your way. And you and I both know that life throws curve balls at times, and at others gives us lemons.

I think sometimes the darkness creeps over us almost like a comforting blanket that we don’t fight at first, it’s not until the true weight of it, the sense we are being strangled by this darkness do we start to panic and feel trapped, aiming to grab hold of anything that will bring us hope. My darling, do not give up, do not give in, God is big enough to handle our anger, our doubt, our fears, and He will never ever quit on you. EVER. Nothing you do or say will increase or diminish His love for you. I know that deep down in your heart, truths that you have always know and held on to lay hidden, life often gets in the way and we sometimes forget, take the time to dig out those boxes, take a walk down memory lane, revisit all the reasons you trusted and loved God in the first place. 

You have seen and felt too much to ever walk away without a sense of hope and faith in something bigger than all we can see. I know it’s hard, believe me I do, and sometimes it takes walking away to discover that all along you had truth buried in your heart. Doubt is uncomfortable, to fight takes great strength, but to give up, well that’s not an option. Don Miller once wrote “I can no more understand the totality of God than the pancake I made for breakfast understands the complexity of me”, so therefore don’t beat on yourself for not having all the answers, for being unsure, for being frustrate or scared. We are limited in our understanding, but this doesn’t mean we should give up, it’s like when you are trying to capture that perfect photograph, you and I both know we will forever be in pursuit of it, but it certainly doesn’t stop us from trying. I know that I am a million miles away physically, and that email is certainly not the same as a good old chat over tea, but I am grateful for the technology that makes the world not seem to big and you so far away. Which is why you must always rememeber, “Every heart has so much history. It's my favourite place to start. Sit down awhile and share your narrative with me. I'm not afraid of who you are.” – I love you, and I believe in you, and I know that you will walk through this valley and come out the other side, there is never a place so dark that light will not win! Light always wins. 

Just going to throw in another Donald Miller quote for good measure:
“There is something beautiful about a billion stars held steady by a God who knows what He is doing. (They hang there, the stars, like notes on a page of music, free-form verse, silent mysteries swirling in the blue like jazz.) And as I lay there, it occurred to me that God is up there somewhere. Of course, I had always known He was, but this time I felt it, I realized it, the way a person realizes they are hungry or thirsty. The knowledge of God seeped out of my brain and into my heart. I imagined Him looking down on this earth, half angry because His beloved mankind had cheated on Him, had committed adultery, and yet hopelessly in love with her, drunk with love for her.”

― Donald Miller
 

Don’t give up the fight, God isn’t walking away, take the time to let Him show you all over again, the ways in which He loves you...starting with His sacrifice. You are going to be ok. Till then, I will help you fight.