Letter to my 16 year old self

A letter to my 16 year old self

Dear Lori,

                Oh gosh there is so much I want to say to you, so much I have had to learn the hard way. However, looking back over the past ten years, which has gone by so incredibly quickly mind you, I am grateful for the lessons I have learned, the journeys I have been on, the paths I explored and the people that I met. I wouldn't change any of it, it brought me here, to this place, this time, this me. But there are a few things I want to say, things I hope make some of the darker days a little easier.

Drink more water and don’t eat mushrooms

Wear sunscreen, there really is nothing healthy about a tan, and while 26 may seem like a long time away, it will sneak up on you, far quicker than you think. And you’ll kick yourself for not choosing the 30+ sunscreen when you start seeing your first wrinkles appear and the 20 year old at the bar stops asking you for ID.

School will get better, you will be okay, and the world keeps turning even when you think failing an exam or assignment will mean the end of it. Some of your favourite memories will be made school, but when you leave, it’s not the end, it’s just the end of the beginning, be sad for a moment, hug your friends, but let go. Work hard, it will pay off, and those kids that made your cry, one day, you’ll look back and smile, and realise they did you a favour.

Your heart will get broken, and that’s ok, it will hurt, and it will feel like your world is crashing down, but I promise, the world will spin madly on, and that boy, you’ll forgive him, and in ten years time he will still be one of your greatest friends.  You’ll be glad that you were brave enough to be honest, and risk looking like a fool. It will set the tone for future strength and courage when it comes to wearing your heart on your sleeve, and I promise, you’ll never regret being honest with how you feel, even if it doesn’t end the way you had hoped. It will always be worth it in the end.

Don’t worry about not having a boyfriend, Mum was right when she said, make friends, they last longer. You’ll have plenty of time, and be glad that you didn’t waste it on boys that weren’t worth it. You will grow neck, it eventually gets longer, don’t worry, oh and eye brows? They come through too, they get thicker and darker. Love your boobs, they are not going anywhere, and certainly won’t get smaller. (at least not until you’re around 25)

Save your money, believe me, there is nothing you want or need to so bad at that age, save it. You will thank me one day, probably when your first car is stolen, or when the second one blows up, or perhaps when you roll the third one in an epic Bond style accident minus the pyrotechnics.

Forgive, your friends, your father, yourself. It will save you a lot of heart ache and pain. People come and go, that’s ok, relationships are seasonal, some last a long time, some for just the summer. But don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.

Listen to your Mum, she really does know best, about pretty much everything. She’s been there, and loves you enough to tell you the truth even if it’s not what you want to here. When she tells you to stand up straight, listen to her, your back will thank you, and you’ll be able to save on chiropractic bills. She’ll always tell you if your bum looks big, or if your hair looks terrible, it may sting, but when you look back on photos, you’ll thank her. But most importantly, don’t stop talking to her, she will one day become your best friend, and quite honestly the most amazing woman you know.

Trust your instincts, turns out they are spot on most of the time, do not however listen to the voice in your head that puts you down, calls you fat, tells you that you can’t do it, that you are not enough, that you never will be. You...as you are; are loved, you more than enough, and you can achieve anything you set your mind too, sometimes it may take a little longer than you’d like, but you’ll get there in end. We accept the love we think we deserve, you deserve more than what you are currently willing to settle for, much much more.

Don’t stop questioning, the ways of the world, how things work, God, the injustices you see. You will doubt, you will struggle, but the truth will set you free, and you’ll be okay, even in those moments where the darkness creeps in and you lose your way, the light will find you, always. Darkness cannot drive out darkness, only light can do that, hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that. And God will never leave you.

Stand up to the bullies, then forgive them, there is a good chance they are just as insecure and as unsure as you. Don’t dramatize everything; pick your battles because some things are just not worth the fight. Particularly with your brothers, they very quickly become bigger and stronger than you. But they also become two of your closest friends in whom you confide and turn to on a regular basis.

Buy a watch and wear it, learn to be on time, if not for your sake right now, then for mine, because I celebrate these days if I am only 10 minutes late. (And that is believe it or not quite an accomplishment).

There will be obstacle and challenges you face, at times it will feel as though you are alone and might possibly be swallowed by the pain of it all. I promise you will survive, the wounds will heal, you will learn and it will make you stronger, and you are never alone. The first year you move out of home is a tough one, be wise, you know better, and believe me when I say it is not the answer, and it is not worth it. It will change one day, I promise, you know what I mean.

You are good at listening to other people, helping with their problems, consoling them, healing them being the friend they need right when they need you. Do not however become so wrapped up in other people’s lives that you forgot to live yours. Do not let the “need to save” mask your own hurt and pain to the point where it becomes buried so deep that you forget it’s there. Let people in, let people help. Feel the hurt, feel the disappointment, then let it go, and forgive. Spend quality time with you, don’t be afraid of who you are, turns out you are actually pretty great company, with a lot to offer the world and the people in your life, not to mention yourself.

And believe me when I say, you are beautiful, you do matter, you are brave and strong and worthy. The next ten years are going to bring to you some phenomenal people, some life changing experiences, some hard lessons and heartbreak, but all of it will be worth it, because you will go on some of the most amazing adventures, and live out dreams that you haven’t even dreamt. You will create memories that will last a life time, and touch people’s lives in way you could never have imagined. Embrace life darling, jump in, take risks, and enjoy it. I promise it will all be worth it!

I love you!

Love always, 

your best friend

Lessons in listening

As a teacher I knew the importance of listening to my students, since being a nanny I have come to learn the importance of listening to a child, whether they are telling you a secret, a hurt, a story, or just using a lot of words that don’t really make sense. It’s not always easy mind you, really listening, especially when you just want to go to the toilet without being interrupted or questioned, or when you want to take a shower without having to shout over the water back and forth “what?...oh yeah?...what?” but as I have learnt it is vitally important. Especially when you are 2 and a half and everything you come across is a mighty discovery that needs to be shared. I recently read for the first time Antoine de Saint-Exupéry’s “The little prince”, and I loved the thought behind something the little prince said "Grown-ups never understand anything by themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them". It’s true you know children have a way of seeing the world, of loving, discovering and learning that grown-ups know nothing about. At the moment Junior is going through this stage where everything is magic. Naturally of course his magic tricks mostly consist of his spinning on the spot, or knotting a piece of string, or cutting up paper, but in his eyes, he “can do magic”, and so I watch “in awe”. Children see magic in everything because they look for it, we grown-ups forgot to look for it, and therefore often get bogged down in the monotony of washing the clothes, cooking dinner, and other things that adults concern themselves with. 

For Junior, it doesn’t matter if he clothes are clean and ironed, if my hair is done, or the house is spotless, what matters to him is that I look at his pictures, I play along with his games, that I run away from the big huge tiger chasing me, that I read books with different voices, that I let him roll the cookie dough, and let him watch me put on makeup, but most importantly, that I listen to him. I never expected to love him as much as I do, and I anticipated loving him quite a lot, I don't remember who said this, but there really are places in the heart you don't even know exist until you love a child. Watching this little miracle and bundle of joy, grow, change, learn, discover, and love, is such a wonderful blessing and has made me reflect on my mum and my second mum and the love they have for me and my brothers. My mum always listened to me; she still does, even when I know I am talking crap, telling the same story for the 10^th time, complaining about the same problems, crying over a boy, she listens. She waits, I talk, sometimes I cry, and she listens, then when the time is right, she pulls out a pearl of wisdom from her huge seemingly endless supply of pearls of wisdom and lays it down in front of me. Sometimes it’s not always what I want to hear, but usually it is exactly what I need to hear. Sue is the same, sometimes I would find myself in the middle of a crisis or desperate to show/tell someone that I can “do magic” and when my mumma was at work or otherwise indisposed, Suey would always be there to listen and oohh and ahhh in all the right places. I am so abundantly blessed that I not only have one awesome mother extraordinaire, I have two!

I could probably safely say that 85, hmm perhaps even 87 percent of what I know about, well pretty much everything I learnt from my mum, and then from the time I was 14, from Sue as well. I have been blessed enough to have someone believe in my dreams, my abilities and in me, even when I didn’t or couldn’t believe my self.  My mum always taught me to hope, and dream, to love and learn, to discover and take risks, I wouldn’t be here in Germany, listening to this special little boy if not for my mumma and Sue. I am sure there were times growing up where my mum wanted to lock herself in the cupboard to have 2 minutes to herself, and yet, never once did she turn me away, or tell me she was too busy, she always made time to listen to us, to play, and to tuck us in at night. Johnny Depp said caring for a child is “like hanging out with a miniature drunk. You have to hold onto them. They bump into things. They laugh and cry. They urinate. They vomit.” As true as that is, more now than ever I believe that children are miracles and magic really does happen, and while we are trying to teach children all about life, children are teaching us what life is all about. All we have to do is listen.

There is something so incredibly wonderful about being reunited with an old friend, even if only for a short time, it’s like cleaning out your wardrobe and finding your favourite old well worn jumper that when you put in on brings comfort, warmth and with it a thousand memories.  I found an old favourite this weekend...at the train station in Wuerzburg, she was an hour late and carrying a backpack but she brought with her comfort, warmth and a thousand memories. I hadn’t thought too long or much about Beth coming to Germany, because I found that when I did, it made me miss her more. However the week before she was due to arrive, I felt like a kid at Christmas time, anticipating Christmas morning and therefore unable to sleep! (no...literally) Being that I am perpetually late (although in all fairness, Junior is never later to kindergarten...ever) I ensured that I was atleast 20 minutes early...Oh gosh, those 20 minutes went soooo slow.....then 5 minutes past, next thing I knew it was like 45 minutes after Beth’s train was due to arrive. I started panicking, messaging Ben and Jesse, freaking out at all the possibilities, unable to call and knowing Beth has no immediate way of contacting me...I started pacing, I didn’t think people really did this other than in the movies to emphasis fear when the acting was bad...But it seemed like the only thing I could do. When I finally saw her walking through the crowd my heart leaped and I burst into tears (typical, I know). But I remember thinking, how is it that four months have pasted and yet it feels like no time at all, it still amazes me when you have friends like that, who can go on doing life separate from you, yet just like that old favourite jumper, when you come back together it’s as though no time has passed at all. 

After a teary reunion, Beth and I set off in our little black car towards Amsterdam. AMSTERDAM! For the weekend! We just got in the car with a tank full of petrol, a case of beer and a tent, and we drove. In the same amount of time it would take a Sydney sider to drive to Port Macquarie we drove across Germany and then all the way across Holland! Crazy! Still blows my mind how close everything seems here comparatively to Australia. We arrived safe, set up the tent, admired the scenery and the beautiful Dutch men (ok, I admire them) and enjoyed a beer, on the street – felt like such rebels. The city itself is beautiful and amazing and much more than I had anticipated. Ofcourse there is a feel good vibe, I mean we all know what Amsterdam is famous for, but beyond that, it was such an atheistically pleasing city, everyone was super friendly and there was this sense of nostalgia dispite the fact that it was my first time in Holland. The first day the weather was the epitome of perfection, a blissful 25 degrees, sun shining, a slight breeze coming of the canals and not a cloud in the sky. We hired bikes and rode through the city. A german friend of mine had been working there for a couple of weeks and had some free time so we played a chasing game for a while till we managed to find him. After that we continued to explore this incredible city, taking in all the wonder and beauty of history and craftmanship. Naturally, after such an “arduous” day we went back to our temporary abode and had ourselves a well deserved beer, or 3. And it was here that I was once again reminded of the power a song has in pulling me back, mind, body and soul to a moment in time, whether, good, painful or otherwise. I know that scientifically it’s smell that is most prominent when it comes to being drawn back into a memory, and I have experienced that, like walking pasting a baking and smelling fresh donuts and being reminded of my Pop who would never come to visit us without bringing a treat, or walking by a woman wearing Chanel and being reminded of my nan.

However, for me, it’s a song, or in fact lots of song that bring me back to a moment in time. It’s amazing how much can be conjured with a few notes of a song, often a song you didn’t even pay attention to at the time. Naturally, songs that are played at funerals, weddings, big emotional events, happy or sad will transport you back there, and often even invoke the same feelings you felt in those moments. But it’s the songs that transport me back to moments and memories that at the time I never imagined reliving. Beth and I sat at the table in the setting afternoon sun talking and reminiscing about the good the bad and the painful. We had our Ipod on shuffle, and with so many of the songs, when I let myself I was thrown back into moments with people who found their way into my heart. Some are still in my life, others haven’t been for some time, but yet for the most part with these songs come some of my fondest most beautiful memories, in fact it’s almost more than that, it’s as though I am back there, in that moment with that person for the 4 minutes the music plays. If someone asked me to recall these memories I am not sure that I could, but it’s a wonderful thing to know that we can relive and remember those seemingly irrelevant moments that shape us and add beauty to our lives by hearing a song. Naturally, on the other hand, we can be reminded of the painful things we would rather not relive, although I think maybe it’s important to recognise that while we may not be able to forget the painful moments, we have the choice not to tell that pain have a place in our future. Sometimes perhaps, in the cases of missing those who have left us behind, it’s good to remember, though at times painful, remembering the good things, the wonderful moments, helps us heal and honour their memory. Music sometimes expresses things that words cannot, and I am so incredibly grateful for its power to help me remember, because there are something I never want to forget.

Well, I am usually a fairly honest person, and don’t have too many qualms about revealing shortcomings because I know that no one this side of heaven is perfect. However, what I am about to share is not my finest moment, and certainly not something I would usually want to share with my world. That said, I feel like it has been a day for important lessons, and well, I have been ultimately humbled in the most glorious of ways.

Not that I do it consciously, and maybe this will surprise some of you to know, but sometimes I have to actually distract myself as to stop judging people in my mind. Ok, let me elaborate here, people I know, I don’t judge, but (and this pains me to say it out loud) often when walking down the street, or from the train station, I either compliment or judge those I walk past. For instance, “Oh lady, that is a lovely dress, it really suits you...” – “Oh dear, darling, who let you out of the house in those jeans” – or “seriously, have you not heard of deodorant?” and then the worse kind “Oh, I am so sorry, but I am so glad I don’t have to deal with that...(insert some skin condition, bad hair, big nose etc here)”.... ugh, writing it down makes me feel so much worse, please don’t get me wrong, I do this maybe once or twice in my mind, then I reprimand myself and aim to have only lovely and pleasant thoughts, telling myself “who the hell do you think you are, - Jesus died for them too to know, he created them!”. Unfortunately, it’s a lesson I relearn everyday...And today, well I think I learnt the hardest way possible, because not only was I overwhelmingly humbled, but I now I this heavy weight on my chest, hence I am here. 

SO, here goes... I was walking to the train station after school, and coming towards me was this lady, I guess maybe late 20’s, possibly early 30’s, immediately I thought to myself...oh you would look so much better if you weren’t wearing a “mens” t-shirt, and if you perhaps cut and washed your hair...the instant I thought this I was almost knocked off my feet by this huge pang and blow of guilt...I looked down and saw her arms... Oh my goodness, never in my life I have seen anything so devastatingly self destructive and broken. In that moment, in that instant my heart broke for this woman, so much so that instinctively my hand went over my heart as if it might fall out and shatter if I didn’t. Her arms were covered in more scars than I would have been able to count, some old, some raw and fresh, all up and down her arms from her hands running towards her heart. I looked from her arms to her eyes and saw this soul pouring out her pain and anguish, and it took my breath away.  I felt sick for my own judgment of this woman, and then for the all that she has had to endure and suffer that has caused her soul and heart to cry out through the release and flowing of her own blood. I don’t think I could even comprehend that much sorrow and pain...

Why do we do this to each other, why do we judge and hate, and compare! Humanity is broken and in desperate need of a Saviour, I like to think that generally I am not so bad at the loving people part, today I was shown just how far I have to go... I have no idea what is beyond the facades people are walking around with, I don’t know the pain, the hurt, the sorrow and suffering they have had to endure, however I do know this, that the God who holds the stars in the sky, loves them enough to die for them and it would be good for me to take a leaf out a small child’s book, or perhaps mother Theresa and instead of looking at what I can see, I should aim to focus on, search out and know all that I cannot see. This is something I want and must change in myself, because I don’t ever want relive this lesson today, and I also don’t want to continue pretending that I am all “oh don’t judge people” when I do it daily in my mind! So, here’s to my next challenge, of looking upon the faces of the people that pass me by, and choosing to see their souls and not what I deem their “superficial flaws”. And to this woman, I am so terribly sorry for judging you, and I pray that healing comes to your heart, and joy to your soul.

Junior is sick today, with a fever of 39.5...So I am at home caring for him; it’s a strange thing, to be needed by someone so precious and helpless. This little life is in my hands and I can’t help but check on him every 20 minutes or so. I am in awe of this little person, I mean I look upon him in wonder, he is a living, loving, breathing miracle that when I look at it scientifically, it absolutely leaves me awestruck! I think sometimes we forget to look long enough upon the faces of the people in our lives and actually see the mind blowing miracle they are!

I remember when I was in year 11 studying biology and we were talking about a baby being conceived, I think it’s called a zygote?...Anyway, not that I didn’t already know “how” it happens, I think I knew when I was like five. My mum has always been a “no bull” kind of person. However, I guess I had never really given the science behind conception that much thought; I was blown away by this idea, this truth. I remember Miss Menzies describing in acute detail the way in which the cells form and split and make organs and bones and skin...(ok in a far more eloquent and scientific way than I can express) and then she was talking about how when the baby is conceived it doesn’t have eyelids. They come later; it’s like some little creature comes along and cuts open the skin protecting the eyes...think about it for just a moment. No human commands these things, they just happen, every day 353,015 babies are born each day, 14,709 each hour and 245 each minute...while of course  humans naturally play a huge role in this, at the same time, it’s out of our control. God commands the stars to shine, the earth to spin, the leaves to change colour and our hearts to beat and He causes the cells to make a brain and little tiny hands and feet. The more I learn about babies, the world around me, myself, the more I am convinced that there is an intelligent designer who created it all. It makes more sense to me that God exists and is, than it does to believe that this was all accidental and a coincident. 

I guess it’s like the wind, or light, we know it exists, we see it, or in the case of light, we see because of it, but it’s not a tangible thing that we can hold and touch and prove. If we were to try and prove light to a blind person, how would be go about it? We couldn’t, we could only describe what we see and feel, and for me, this is the same with God. I cannot prove His existence any more than I can prove light, but I feel Him, I see because of Him and I am who I am because of His love. But I also know that sometimes I get so caught up in the monotony of routine that I forget to be amazed, I forget the miracles that are happening around me every minute of every day. So, this is my challenge, I guess more for myself but feel free to join me, every day, write down a miracle you witnessed, when you start looking, and your eyes are open you begin to see more than you ever imagined.

So, thought it was about time I actually updated all you lovely people on Germany being that most of my blog entries thus far have been about my current emotional state or some philosophical thoughts etc. So, here goes...

Classic Lori moments in the last 3 months...

Breaking the toilet seat, the car door mirror, and a cup

Dying a towel blue

Sending letters home with Australian stamps

Walking over a the subway vent in Madrid and having a not so graceful Marilyn Monroe moment

Opening my bag and dropping a tampon at the feet of a very handsome man waiting for the train

Demonstrating to the man in the pharmacy that I needed tampons because I didn’t know what they were called in German, to which he replied, “Oh Tampons?” (Apparently it is a universal word)

Fell off a stationary bike

Throwing  up while running because I thought it was a good idea to run on a full stomach...didn’t realise there was a very good looking man walking his dog who saw the whole thing...

Thought I would be smart and say I feel hot in German...translation word by word “Ich bin heiss”...turns out I actually suggestion I, myself am a very a hot woman and would like to have some... hanky panky... Oh dear, I have since however learned that I need only say “Mir ist heiss”

Highlights from the last 3 months (in no particular order)

Skiing in the Austrian Alps

Spain...all of it (except perhaps a few of the overly friendly men)

My first dream in German

Letters from home

Seeing the seasons change so drastically

Waking up to snow at Easter

Reading....up to book number 13 now

Picnics, bubbles, sing-a-longs and snuggles with Robert

Learning and speaking German and helping tourists in German

Receiving videos and messages almost daily from some pretty special people

Seeing where the new Three Musketeers movie was filmed

Learning new and exciting things about God and about my own heart and mind

Being left breathless by the beauty here

Hearing the words “I love you” from a very specially little pint sized person

Lowlights from the last 3 months

Missing coffee from Zac’s - they just can’t get it right here

Missing (more than I could have anticipated) my family and friends.

Germany is an amazing country, and it’s people, well they are amazing too! Time as flown by so quickly, and then at the same time, it feels like I have been here so much longer than three months! At the moment my days are pretty routine, wake up to a handsome little face saying “lets have breakfast”, get ready, showered, shoes on, then off again because Junior needs to go to the toilet, shoes back on again, walk to kindergarten along the creek, answer a million “WHY?” questions, explain once again why we cannot pick up the stinging nestle, say goodbye, kiss on the cheek, ride my bike 3km up hill to the trainstation, spend the next 10 minutes trying to compose myself so that I don’t look like a just ran a marathon, catch the train to school, get to school just on time, school...coffee break...school, then at 3.07 I catch the train home, smile at my train buddy, struggle to find my keys in my handbag, get frustrated, empty my bag, find keys, unlock bike, ride to kindergarten, leave bike there, get Robert, negotiate with a 2 and a half year old on many more minutes he can play for, walk home, play blocks, water the vegepatch, go to the playground, after the parentals come home we have dinner, go for a run/walk depending on how I feel, sometimes I throw up my dinner because I never learn that its not a good idea to run on a full stomach, come home, shower, bed....then I do it all again...but honestly, I wouldn’t have it any other way, I love living here, I love Germany and I love this family!

Sending love and peace to wherever you are.

I have come to understand that while some things never change, some never remain the same. They can’t and they shouldn’t. Change is good. We need it. The world changes daily, there are four seasons in a year, each making way for the next. The trees grow, and change and shed in order to grow again. Physically our bodies change, we grow, we shed, skin cells, hair – the body, a wonder all  of its own is constantly under construction, breaking down, rebuilding, getting rid of what it doesn’t need, what is harmful and toxic, storing and using what is good, and renewing what is old, worn out and in desperate need of some TLC. Our body does this without any command from us, in fact, inspite of us. Even if we treat our bodies like crap, they fight to use what they are given, and they thank us when they are treated like a temple.

However, it has become apparent to me that often Humans neglect the need for change in their lives, and in their hearts. Sometimes we hold onto what is toxic, and no good for us because its comfortable, because despite knowing how bad it is, we convince ourselves it is better to feel terrible than risk the change and the unknown and letting go of what we have known to be real. And so, we remain trapped in toxic relationships, jobs, stress, worry, our own self pity and denial, refusing to make the move and accept joy and happiness. Of course I know that it’s easier said than done, I am living proof of that, there are some things that I have been working on for years. However, I know now more than I knew this time last year, and it’s about time that I let go of things and people that have no place in my future. A very dear friend reminded me that sometimes the hardest thing to let go of is the thing you never really had. We get so use to holding on that we forget to let go, and sometimes these people don’t really want us to let go. Not because they want us, but they become attached to us wanting them, so they do whatever they can, sometimes subconsciously to ensure we don’t let go. 

So, how do we let go when are fingers are white from holding on to tightly for so long? Well, I am not entirely sure, however I guess you start by accepting, and then moving to Germany... or at least making some sort of landmark change that leaves you a little more fearless, courageous and excited for the next adventure. Having incredibly wise and loving friends who gently and then sometimes not so gently remind you that you are worth more than simply being someone’s back up plan, or that you have to forgive yourself and those who have hurt you and let you down. I think maybe a part of me always believed that I wanted and need fire, that I wanted excitement, passion, heat, and a sense of risk.  We need fire sometimes, to come in, sweep through and burn everything to ground so that when spring comes everything can be grown and build up from the ground. After having had the chance to be well acquainted with fire, the warm and destruction, I have come to realise however, I no longer  want fire, I want a dandelion in spring, the consistency that comes with the renewal of life and love without the destruction. And so, I am here, on the other side of the world, aiming to learn a new language and embrace a new cultural, while shedding and slowly loosening my grip on things that were never mine, and have no place in my future. I don’t expect this to be an easy journey, but God never lets us walk alone.